Share Your World – 2016 Week 20


For Cee’s Share Your World

When do you feel most connected with others? When I am communicating with them via written correspondence – be it an email, a messenger program or a hand-written letter. I can express myself better this way and my internal chatter doesn’t get in the way of my writing like it does if someone is speaking to me.

What daily habit would you like to introduce to your life? Walking each day. I do this sporadically, but would love to make it a daily habit.

What one mini-little-adventure would you like to have in the coming week? The Indigo Girls will be in concert nearby. I would love to have the money to see them, but it just isn’t going to happen this time.

List at least of things or events that changed your Life: It could be as simple as a book or meeting a certain person?

  1. Losing two babies during my first trimesters and being told I would never carry one to full term.
  2. Going back to college at age 25
  3. Meeting my Reiki Master in 1994
  4. Reading The House of Breath by William Goyen
  5. Reading Confessional Poets Anne Sexton, Sylvia Plath and John Berryman
  6. Seeing Neil Diamond and Prince in concert in 1995 & 1996, respectively
  7. Meeting and marrying my second husband, Matt in 2001 (not all of it was good, but definitely life changing)
  8. Moving to Tulsa OK in 2005
  9. Finding out that I had uterine cancer in 2012
  10. Leaving my husband and moving back home to VA in 2014

Bonus question:  What are you grateful for from last week? Wow, I barely remember last week. Nothing major occurred that I can recall. I guess I am grateful that I recognized the need for a day off and took one on Friday.

and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up? hopefully getting the garden planted and having the creative flow to keep writing

10 Daily Currents – 05.16.16

It is Monday at 10:44 am and I am currently…

1. listening: to the hum of my white noise machine calling me to bed

2. eating: I had four strips of bacon and 1/2 an avocado

3. drinking: coffee with cream and stevia

4. wearing: blue sweat pants, black t-shirt, black socks and a black sweater

5. feeling: very sleepy and freezing me arse off

6. weather: cold, windy, sunny – about 48 degrees

7. wanting: sleep

8. needing: sleep.. pulled an all-niter

9. thinking: As soon as I post this, I am crawling in bed

10. enjoying: this last puff of cigarette and sip of coffee before bed

I had a thought, dear readers… if you’d like to grab these 10 Daily Currents and write your own, link back to my post so I can share along with you!

Creative Questions 13 – Choices


CQ13 – How have your life values changed?

I just love Kate’s build-up to this question and since it is short, I am going to quote it here:

As our years accumulate we have all endured our share of bumps and lumps, some more than others. Hitting 50 years of age we know that we have lived more than half our life and it’s confronting to decide what we will prioritise on our downhill run … relocate, study, change careers or travel … the decision is ours.

Our plus and minuses are pretty ingrained but we also have the choice to look inwards and see what needs to change to increase our pluses and minimise those minuses. We start to realise the value of good connections, a healthier lifestyle and trimming off the unnecessary.

The superficial holds less value and exploration of life itself seems to open up endless possibilities. How have your life values changed?

I am about to hit that 50-year mark, in 35 days to be more specific. For the majority of my adult life, I’ve lived a bohemian lifestyle, drifting from place to place, partner to partner, and carousing with artists of all sorts – painters, sculptors, writers, actors and musicians. I have worked a ton of different types of jobs, everything from a waitress to a computer tech. I was even a college student for nearly 9 years of my adult life. Since I moved around a lot, I never put down many roots, nor kept friends for very long. And because of my alternative lifestyle, I was the black sheep in my family. None of this really bothered me until the past eleven years. During nine of those eleven years, I married and moved away from everyone I ever knew to a strange and foreign place – Tulsa, Oklahoma. I won’t go into the details, but just suffice to say, while there, I was forced to put down roots, became isolated and descended into madness. It has taken me the better part of three years to recover from those bitter years of my life and it has really put a lot of things into perspective for me. Here are just a few choices and changes that I have made:

  1. I am now the mistress of my own destiny. This isn’t completely new to me since I’ve pretty much come and gone and done whatever I wanted in life. However, I often allowed others along the way to dictate how I lived my life. Some were during brief relationships and others, like with my ex, were for extended periods of time. No one will ever take that away from me again.
  2. I value time spent with family and friends. This is completely new to me. Since I never had close bonds but with just a few people, forging these bonds now take more effort. It is time well spent though.
  3. I am more concerned now with my future – how I will live, where I will live, if I will be able to afford it, etc. I didn’t use to concern myself with these at all. Money had no real value to me. My motto was ‘I can always earn more’ and that was how I lived my life. But I am disabled now and on a very fixed income. So it matters a whole lot more these days.
  4. I am more concerned with my health these days – physically, mentally and spiritually. I was never into drugs or drank excessively, but I did have reckless behaviors when it came to sex and relationships. I didn’t take care of my physical health and mentally, I was a complete mess. Although I’ve always considered myself fairly spiritual, I flitted from one religion to another constantly, never settling on just one firm set of beliefs. These days, I tend to watch my diet most of the time as I am diabetic and have chronic pain issues. I do yoga and qigong, I meditate and follow mostly Buddhist practices. All of these have benefited my physical health, but also my mental and spiritual health as well.
  5. I now choose a drama-free life (or as near to it as possible!). I made a decision to eliminate as much negativity from my life as I could. This not only included thoughts, but also people. I have just stopped feeding the drama monkeys. Anyone who continued to foster negativity, I stopped associating with them – friends, family and acquaintances. I try not to read news that will stir up negative emotions, listen to music that foster negativity, or watch tv or movies that feel negative to me. Now that is not to say that I have completely blocked out the world around me, but I try not to allow those things to stir up negative emotions within me and if they do, I now have comping skills to rid myself of those emotions. It really is a choice! Somethings still get through from time to time though. *coughDonaldTrumpcough*
  6. I spend time on things that matter. This again is not something that is new to me. I’ve always done my own thing. However, I am also a people-pleaser and would often let people talk me into doing things that would distract me from things that really mattered to me. The word ‘no’ just wasn’t in my vocabulary. It took years of therapy for me to finally learn the importance of the word ‘no’ and how to effectively use it. Surprisingly enough, what I thought would happen – people would get angry at me for saying no – hasn’t happened that often. Most of the time, people just say okay and move on. *shockshock* There are always those few though that persist and I have to keep reminding them. This happens a lot with my writing. There is only so much *extra* time available for others when I am doing writing projects. Now I tell people, ‘sorry, if you want me to spend such and such day with you or work on such and such project with you, it has to be scheduled ahead of time.’ Some people don’t mind. Others have gotten angry about it. But, I don’t care anymore. My writing has value and meaning to me. It is important and I now foster what is important to me.
  7. Material things hold little meaning in my life. Now that’s not to say that I have given up every material possession and become a nun or anything like that. However, I no longer spend money on a lot of material goods like I did in my past. I live very simply and tend to my basic needs – food, shelter and clothing. I do still buy books now and again, but since my space is limited, so are my purchases. I now make conscious choices. Do I really need this or is it just a want? What will I have to give up in order to have this? Generally I discover that things are merely wants and I don’t have the space for them.

I am sure there are more choices and changes that I have made in my life, but for now, these are the major ones. I intend for this down-hill ride to be a much healthier one for me all around. I do still realize though that it all happens one step and one day at a time.


A Delicious Torment – C1P2

A Delicious Torment
A Memoir
Chapter One: Prelude to a Disaster, Part 2

When you break up with someone, you automatically believe that you will be done with them. Both will move on with their lives, separately. This was not to be the case between John and I. Since he had no income, he begged me to allow him to live in the living room until he could find a job and/or another place to live.

We sat down and drew up a contract of sorts. He promised to supply his own food (he was on food stamps by this point), do his own cooking and clean his own dishes. He would keep his belongings in the living room and neither of us would enter the others general living space (meaning I wouldn’t go into the living room and he wouldn’t come into my bedroom). French doors separated the living room from the foyer which is where my studio was located, and a second set of French doors separated the living room from the bedroom. So privacy shouldn’t have been an issue if we put up heavy curtains. I gave him one month to find a job and he was to move out within two months. I figured he could save up enough money in one month for a small apartment or to share living space with one of his other friends.He agreed to all of these conditions and signed the contract.

Six months later, he was still living with me. I felt like my life was on hold. It was difficult to date because men wondered who the strange man was who lived in my living room. I stopped saying, “Oh, that’s my ex” because the men got suspicious that we weren’t really over and done with. And they weren’t entirely wrong. Prior to our separation, John and I hadn’t had sex in months. After the separation, every time I turned around, he was coming to my bedroom wanting sex. When I refused, he would storm back to the living room and turn up the volume on the tv or his stereo. And since I worked early mornings, I often went to work without any sleep. A few times I gave in just to get some sleep. My life was spinning out of control.

It was during this time that my cousin and his wife broke up. I had introduced them and since she was my friend prior to their marriage, we began hanging out with one another after their separation. My cousin felt betrayed and would go weeks without speaking to me. But I had Val and that was important to me. And then something unexpected happened. She and I had gone out to a bar one night. As we sat there having drinks, we spotted an attractive man at the same time.

She looked at me and whispered, “We should take him home with us.”

Val knew that I was bisexual, but she hadn’t shown any tendencies up to that time, but that night, we did take him home with us, back to her apartment. The man was only too happy to oblige us. This wasn’t my first threesome, but it was Val’s, so she let me do all of the directing. It was an amazing night that stretched on into midday the next day. (I won’t go into the details here, since this isn’t an x-rated blog)

After that night, I realized that I was more interested in being with her than I was with a guy, even though we were both seeing men at the time. Threesomes became our thing. We went to bars and picked up men, brought them to either her place or mine and had wild sex. We even had one with the guy I was seeing, which resulted in us breaking up. He wanted to keep both of us as solely his, but Val wasn’t about to give up the man she was seeing and since I was more into Val, I broke up with him. Then Val decided that she wanted us to have a threesome with John. I think this was the final straw between he and I. He wanted Val, but not me. I wanted Val, but not him. And Val wanted us both. We went through with it, but that was the end to our threesomes.

Soon after that, Val had a change of attitude. We sat in my foyer one day and she cried for a long while. I had no idea what was wrong and just held her. Finally, she pulled herself away from me.

“We can’t go on seeing one another,” she whispered as she wiped the tears from her hazel eyes.

“Why not?” I was stunned and began to cry.

“I love Mark and I want my children back.” She didn’t even look at me as she said the words. Instead, she picked up her purse and left.

Val knew that if her first ex-husband found out that she was in a same-sex relationship, she would never get custody of her children. I understood her reasoning. I would gladly have ended the sexual part of our relationship and just gone back to being friends, but that wasn’t the way it happened. She cut off all contact with me. No emails. No phone calls. She changed her number and even moved out of her apartment and in with Mark.

I was beyond devastated. I was in love with her and my whole world was crumbling. And there, still living in my house, was John. I was on the verge of another mental breakdown and he made sure I fell off the cliff.

A Delicious Torment @2016 Lori Carlson. All Rights Reserved.

A Delicious Torment is a memoir of my descent into madness and subsequent recovery. I will post new sections of this each Monday.

To read the other parts of the memoir: C1P1