The Sandbox Writing Challenge #12 — What makes you feel loved?

 

What makes you feel loved?

I am pretty sure I’ve addressed this in other posts. I don’t feel loved. Never have and probably never will. I think if anything, some people merely tolerate me and those who cannot, exit my life. I’m just really not good with people and I don’t pretend to be. I think that makes people uncomfortable around me and prevents people from getting close enough to me to show me genuine love. And because since childhood, I’ve never felt wanted or that I am a burden, I don’t give out love easily and I don’t trust those who claim to love me. It is all so dreadfully complicated. And as such, I’d really just rather not bother with it all. I am better off being alone, and just loving myself.

Now there are ways these days that I show myself love. This is a relatively new thing that I’ve been trying out for about a year. I tell myself daily that I love myself, usually while looking into the mirror at her, and reminding myself that, for better or worse, she and I are one. I buy myself little presents to brighten my day. And I allow myself to have what I call “spa” days were I pamper myself. All of this is better than living a life devoid of any kind of love.

 

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The Daily Me (Journal) Lovable – 12/19/16

Today’s prompt comes from 100 Inspirational Journal Prompts by Melissa Bolton @ The Mogul Mom

Do you feel lovable?

Truthfully? For the most part, no, I don’t. I never felt love from my parents or my siblings. In relationships, I always felt used, not loved, which is probably why none of them lasted long. And for the longest time, I didn’t even love myself. The only times I’ve ever been shown true love was from animals. And even with them, I always doubted if it was true love or they just wanted fed. How sick is that? But that is the reality of my life. Always doubting if someone is showing me affection without strings attached.

Now I just love me and hope that it is enough. Sure, there are things about me that I still don’t like and I am still working on, but I also know that I love me for me with all of my flaws and quirky ways. It was a long road to get to this place. Lots of counseling and spiritual guidance. I had to learn to shut off those negative voices in my head and just listen to the voices of the Archangels Charmeine and Raphael. Charmeine is the Archangel of Harmony through self-love and Raphael is the Archangel of healing. They’ve both been a tremendous help to me. And when I am surrounded by their energy? Oh yes, I do feel loved

The Daily Me (Journal) Love – 11/29/2016

Today’s prompt comes from 100 Inspirational Journal Prompts by Melissa Bolton @ The Mogul Mom

Describe LOVE using all five senses.

Love is the sight of…

a sunrise or sunset
flowers blooming
the face of your mate or best friend
the stars in the sky on a clear, dark night
a kitten taking a bath or snuggling against it’s mother

Love is the sound of…

a raven cawing
a child’s laughter
music flowing from your favorite instrument
the ocean breathing in and out
the voice of someone you respect

Love is the scent of…

a fresh baked pumpkin pie
the morning brew
the air after a rainfall
wood burning in the fireplace
leaves several days after falling

Love is the feel of…

the caress of a lover
the wind on your face
a cozy blanket
fresh fruits and veggies from the vine
peach-fuzz of a new born baby’s head

Love is the taste of…

snowflakes on your tongue
the ocean’s salty tears
a homemade coconut cream pie
a Guinness shared among friends
fresh drinking water for all humankind

“Where There Is Love Nothing Is Too Much Trouble And There Is Always Time.” ~Abdu’l-Bahá — iaccidentlyatethewholething

A beautiful way to start off November… LOVE. Comments are closed, please visit iaccidentlyatethewholething’s blog to leave a comment. Thanks

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” “So, I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you.” “When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better […]

via “Where There Is Love Nothing Is Too Much Trouble And There Is Always Time.” ~Abdu’l-Bahá — iaccidentlyatethewholething

The Sandbox Writing Challenge #35 — Let’s Make a Deal

This week Calen presents us with two related questions:

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What is behind this door that you want?

At my age (49!), there is very little left in life that I want. I am not materialistic, so I don’t want things. I’ve never been obsessed with money, so I don’t want money. I tend to just take care of my immediate needs these days. If I were to really desire anything in life, it would be to help end hunger, poverty, discrimination, abuse, and war. Peace would be my greatest want. How unrealistic is that?

Imagine having the key. What is stopping you from opening the door?

If I had the key, the solution to end all of those above things and have a peaceful world, I wouldn’t hesitate to use the key. I would unlock the door and swing it wide open for all to step through freely. But with so much hate and greed in the world, I can only do my small part and send out love as often as possible in whatever way possible.

How about you, dear readers? What’s behind that door that you want? Will you turn the key and step inside? Share your thoughts with me in comments.

03.22.16 – End of Day Notes

What I did today: Since I had such a late start yesterday, I ended up staying up all night. I got quite a bit done though. All of my usual writing projects and read some more of the theme reveals til I was exhausted. So I went to bed. I didn’t wake back up until 5 pm and am now wide awake at nearly midnight. So I guess I will do some writing and read more of those reveals.

What I learned today: that hate is alive and well in the world and no matter how much love I send out, it doesn’t seem to counteract it, but I am not giving up!

What I am most proud of today:  in truth, I am most proud of the part that I wrote of my noir-style mystery story, The Stacked Deck today. I think it is the best part that I have written the entire month.

What did you do today, dear readers? Learn any lessons? Have a reason to be proud? Share your thoughts with me in the comments!

Thoughts on the Games People Play

I just finished reading a beautiful post by Jodi Chapman titled A Game I Never Want to Win where she talks about “The Suffering Game” people play. I am sure you all know this game. It’s a one-upmanship game and the goal is to be the one who has suffered the most. Here are the examples that Jodi gave. Maybe you will recognize this in yourself or others around you.

Someone asks us how we’re doing. And we reply, “Oh, I’m honestly not that great. I haven’t felt very well this week, and I’m thinking of going to the doctor.”

They respond: “Me, too! I haven’t felt healthy in ages, and after going from doctor to doctor, I feel that I’ll never feel well again.”

Or maybe someone asks you how work is going. And you reply that you are feeling overworked and could really use a break since you hadn’t had a day off in a month. To which they respond, “Tell me about it! I haven’t had a vacation in years, and even if I did I would be so busy taking care of everyone else that I wouldn’t get to rest anyway.”

Or maybe someone asks you about your kids, and you tell them that they are okay for the most part – although your daughter is starting to rebel a bit lately. And they respond, “That’s nothing! My son has been rebelling for years, and I just know that he’s going to turn into a criminal one of these days.”

I don’t know if people do this to try to relate or if they just really do want to be the “biggest sufferer,” but I have to agree with Jodi, this isn’t the kind of game I want to play either. I do have a friend who delights in this kind of game. Not only does she want to be the Queen of All Sufferers, but she also wants others to suffer as well. She gets a sick sense of joy out of revenge, kicking people when they are down, and stirring the pot that is already boiling over. She likes to capitalize on your pain, your troubles, your worries. She enjoys taking pot-shots at people. And her favorite is to pick, pick, pick… especially if she knows that you are sick or just not feeling too well. She says that is the best time to pick at someone because their defenses are down and they can’t come back at her with a witty remark. She will come up with a scheme of how to hurt someone and then ask me if I want to join her. When I tell her things like “No, I get no joy out of hurting someone or seeing them suffer,” she laughs and says, “Oh, but I do!” She really is quite sinister sometimes.

Sometimes I ask myself why I am still friends with this woman. My usual response is that I’ve known her for 36 years and she is like a bad habit I cannot shake. And other times, I think I remain her friend hoping that some of my love and compassion will wear off on her.

Like Jodi says in her article, and I wholeheartedly agree, we should be striving to spread happiness and joy, to lift one another up, to show compassion to those who are suffering. She calls this “The Feel Good Game” and it is definitely one I would much rather be playing.

How about you, dear readers? Which game do you play? Which game would you rather be playing? Know someone who plays “The Suffering Game” and want to talk about it? Share your thoughts with me in comments.

The Sandbox Writing Challenge #30 — Baby Gift!

A newborn baby snuggling into white linen

I can already tell that Calen’s challenge for this week will be a deeply personal one for me. She poses: If you were to give this baby something you lacked early in life, what would it be?

I would have to say two-fold: lots and lots of attention AND unconditional love.While I didn’t lack much of the former too early in life, I lacked a lot of the latter for much of my childhood. I shall attempt to explain.

When I was around 5 years old, I contracted mono from a water fountain at a pet cemetery in West Virginia. We had tagged along with my grandmother to lay to rest one of her precious chihuahuas. By the next day, I had a raging fever and under doctor’s advice, my mother gave me baby aspirin to bring down the fever.  At the time, there was very little known about the link between aspirin and Reye’s Syndrome. Well, I caught it and was put in the hospital. I went into a coma and nearly died. As a result, my parents kept me under watchful eyes for years. So yes, I receive a lot of attention, but not the kind I really needed, especially from my mother. Her favorite words to me were “Go sit down with your father.” I wasn’t allowed to play, help around the house, or get overly excited. This lasted until I was around the age of 11. After that, I was completely ignored by everyone because all of the focus centered around my older sister who was constantly rebelling against my parents (she was 13 at the time) and my younger brother (around 6 at the time) who was an attention-whore.

So yes, I would give that precious baby up there lots and lots of attention. Focused attention.

As for unconditional love, I never received this from my mother either. Her love always had conditions put on them. She didn’t really know how to give love since she didn’t receive much of it herself growing up. She would always say things like “If you loved me you would…” fill in that blank with whatever she wanted from me. I didn’t receive advice from her or a guiding hand. Instead, she would relate to me things about her childhood, which would make my problems or issues feel so small and insignificant. Eventually, I just stopped turning to her for help.

So that precious baby would get unconditional love from me. No conditions. None of my childhood drama. Just unconditional love.

I used to be angry at my mother for how I was treated. For years, I felt abandoned and unloved. Thankfully, after years of therapy, I’ve learned that she probably did the best she could under the circumstances. She had a disastrous childhood. She suffered from PTSD and probably Bipolar Disorder. She could have turned to drugs or drinking and been a horribly physically abusive parent, but she did none of those things. She just wasn’t emotionally engaged with me. I’ve forgiven her and myself for my anger. I am at peace with it all now.

Saturday 9: The Theme from Love Story (1970)

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Saturday 9: The Theme from Love Story (1970)

In honor of Valentine’s Day. Unfamiliar with this week’s tune? Hear it here.
 

1) The very popular tagline for this movie is, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” Here’s your chance to rewrite it. “Love means _____________________.”

Love means allowing your partner to be his/her authentic self. To not put on pretenses. To not have to walk around on eggshells. To be whomever he or she chooses to be.

2) The movie was famous for a montage of the lovers frolicking in the snow. Do you enjoy sledding, skating, skiing, snowball fights, snowmen, etc.? Or do you just want spring to hurry up and get here?

I love the snow, but I enjoy it best before all of the frolicking begins. I love to watch it fall, blanketing the world in white. But most of all, I love the silence that comes with it.

3) In the movie, Oliver asks his father for $5,000. The money is required for wife Jenny’s hospital treatment, but Oliver is too proud to tell his father why he needs it. Adjusted for inflation, $5,000 in 1970 is $30,000 today. How much would you be willing to lend a friend or family member without knowing the reason?

Oh wow, this is a tough question. I don’t have much to give and I guess it would depend on how close the friendship was and how well I trusted the family member. If it was a close and trusting relationship, I would give everything I had.

4) In the movie, Jenny is the daughter of a baker who owns a little shop in Cranston, Rhode Island. Think of the last baked goods you consumed. Were they home made? Did you buy them from a bakery, the grocery store, or a coffee shop, like Starbucks?

It’s been ages since I’ve had baked goods. I guess the last ones I had were Krispy Kreme donuts. They bring back such wonderful memories from childhood.

5) In 1970, when the movie was first released, California’s First Lady Nancy Reagan said she liked it but was upset to hear Ali MacGraw’s character swear. What’s the curse word you use most often? (Feel free to spell it with *’s, in case Nancy Reagan stops by Sat. 9)

I say “What the Fuck!” a lot and personally, I could care less if Nancy Reagan stopped by. I would say Fuck in front of her too.

6) Now 75, Ali MacGraw has let her famous hair go gray. She says she’s glad to “look like a grown up.” Do you feel your age? Or older or younger than your years?

Most of the time, I don’t feel my age. Mentally, I still feel about 25. Some days though, my body reminds me that I am nearing 50. I don’t mind the silver strands in my blond hair though. I’ve earned them!

7) MacGraw and her Love Story co-star Ryan O’Neal are currently on tour in the play, Love Letters, and they’re drawing big crowds of fans who remember them in their famous film. Tell us of another movie couple you felt had romantic chemistry.

Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy! I loved their witty repartee and the longing in their eyes as they acted together. Of course, they were off-screen partners too, so that only made them sizzle even more on-screen!

8) Red is the signature color of Valentine’s Day. Are you wearing red right now?

No, as usual, I am wearing black. It is my signature color and it matches my dead, cold heart. I even prefer black roses.

9) Because Valentine’s Day is such a big day for chocolate … would you prefer a large, solid milk chocolate heart or a small box of four assorted chocolates?

I don’t like milk chocolate and I don’t like the surprise of assorted chocolates. Sometimes you receive something not so delicious in those. I would prefer some exotic dark chocolates with hot pepper flakes or some fine sea salt dark chocolate. Oh hell, just give me some dark chocolates and no one will get hurt!

 

Do you have any thoughts on Valentine’s Day? Like it? Love it? Hate it? Who are your favorite on-screen Lovers? Let me know in the comments!