10 Daily Currents – 01.04.17

It is Wednesday at 6:09 pm and I am currently…

1. listening: the weather report on tv

2. eating: butternut squash soup

3. drinking: ice water

4. wearing: long black lounger and black socks

5. feeling: like hell… the crud finally caught up with me

6. weather: cold, windy and expecting snow soon

7. wanting: to curl back up in my bed and go to sleep

8. needing: to work on my story, Andromeda Dreaming

9. thinking: all creative projects need to be put on hold until I am over this crud. That means flash fiction stories, poetry, Zanzibar and Andromeda Dreaming. I just cannot concentrate right now.

10. enjoying: nothing. I feel miserable

Dear readers, if you’d like to join me with these 10 Dailies, snag them and link back to my blog so I can read your dailies.

The Sandbox Writing Challenge #71 — Unfinished

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When you remember your unfinished tasks,
both great and small,
what feelings arise in you?

I hate unfinished tasks. It makes me feel like a failure. I will berate myself with words like, “You mean you couldn’t even get that small thing done?” or “Why’d you set so many tasks when you know you usually don’t finish them all.” But do I ever say anything nice to myself when I’ve finished a task? Well, not until January 1st of this year. Before, I would just ignore any of my successes, or not put too much emphasis on them. No pats on the back. No rewards. Now for every task I complete, no matter how great or small, I reward myself with something – a tv show or movie to watch, some pampering ‘me’ time, or even a nap. If a task doesn’t get completed, I simply leave it for the next day. If I can’t get it accomplished in a week, it must not have been that important anyway. I am tired of spending my life regretting things and feeling like a failure. It is simply unproductive.

The Daily Me (Journal) Memories 2 – 01/04/17

Today’s prompt comes from Journaling Your Way Home via Writing Our Way Home, in which Kaspa has asked us to write a memory from the timeline of our life that we wrote Sunday. (Note: this is taken from an e-book which I purchased as part of this e-course. If you’d like to join in, you can purchase the course at the Journaling Your Way Home address above)

No Happy Ever Afters For Me

Shortly after my sister kicked me out of her place in Greensboro, NC in the late Summer of 1985, I returned to Virginia, stayed with my Aunt for a while and got a job at the ice cream store she worked in. There, I met two female missionaries from the Mormon Church. Before long, I started attending, had moved into my own apartment and was doing pretty well for myself. Suddenly, for no reason that I was told, the female missionaries were recalled and two male missionaries showed up. One of them was this tall, linebacker of a guy with dark-hair and sapphire blue eyes. He was very charismatic and I fell head-over-hills for him. His name was David from Modesto CA and like me, he was a convert to the Church. Over the course of six months, we got to know one another well. I even cooked dinner for him and his companion a few times. Sometimes, they would stop by the ice cream store, get my keys and hang out at my apartment while I worked (I know they were watching tv, which was against the rules).

David liked to play practical jokes on people and he played quite a few on me. One night, I came home from work to find sticky notes all over my walls and the inserts from magazines tossed haphazardly around the room (that was his companion’s thing). Another night, I came home and it looked like I had been robbed. Every piece of furniture was gone, except that it wasn’t. I had a very tiny room that I used as my bedroom and they had stuffed every stick of furniture, books, dishes, etc. into that little room. They couldn’t fit the sofa in there so they just propped it up at the door. Another night, I came home to find the inside of my house, down the staircase and the tree outside my apartment building toilet-papered. Sometimes he would call me late at night, just to tell me ‘sorry, wrong number’ repeatedly. I knew it was him. I would recognize his voice anywhere.

But the worst joke he pulled on me was at dinner one night. I had cooked him and his companion a three course meal. Salad; pot roast with potatoes, carrots and peas; and a homemade banana cream pie for desert. I had slaved over all of it all day, especially the pie – supposedly David’s favorite. It was my first time making pie crust and meringue and it had come out perfectly. We’d eaten the meal and I’d put the pie in the fridge and gone to the bathroom. When I came out, BAM! Banana cream pie in the face, followed by laughter, and David and his companion running away. You’d think that I would have hated David, but I didn’t. I only loved him more.

After about six months, word began to spread about David and his companion spending too much time at one woman’s apartment. No, it wasn’t mine. It was a mutual friend of ours. She ran interference for he and I, allowing him to call me on the phone at night and opening her apartment up for us to hang out, supervised. She had no idea he was spending so much time at my apartment and neither of us told her, nor did the companion. Anyway, the Church elders decided to split the two missionaries up and send them to other locations. An elderly couple took their place.

On the night David left, he called me and asked me to marry him. Of course, I said yes. He still had a year to serve as a missionary, but he said he would call his sister back in CA and make arrangements for me to go live with her until his service was up. I told our mutual friend, but she wouldn’t believe me. Then I received a letter from him a week later, expressing the same thing. She finally believed me. The sister thing fell through, but he told me to start making preparations to have a Temple wedding. That meant I had to get baptized in the Church, take the required classes and get a Temple recommendation. I did all of those things for him. Our mutual friend and her two sisters even went with me to the Temple. It was all happening so fast. I’d gotten the Temple recommendation on my first try, went through the Temple and was all set to marry that handsome, charismatic man from California. We talked three times a week by phone and wrote letters nearly every day. I knew he was the one.

David still had five months left of his mission, but he was no longer enjoying it. He stole the mission car, drove all the way to Covington VA from Richmond VA and held up at our mutual friend’s apartment. He called me from there, said he was leaving his mission and going back home. I asked about the wedding and he said we’d have to plan it by phone. I didn’t even get to see him before they sent him back to CA. When he arrived back in CA, he still called me frequently for the first couple of weeks. Then silence. He didn’t call and didn’t return mine. He eventually told our mutual friend that he had left the Church and no longer wanted to marry me. I got the news from her, not him. I was never given any further explanation and never heard from him again.

This was supposed to be my fairy tale wedding, my happy ever after. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want me. What had I done? I was heart broken and fell into the only comforting arms around – Andy’s. The guy I had dated while living with my sister. Four months later, I was pregnant, married to him and living in Burlington NC. Completely unhappy and definitely no fairy tale. A dark tale, perhaps. But that’s for another memory.

My Daily Tarot – Seven of Wands

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01/04/17 – Seven of Wands

You are being asked to defend your actions or beliefs. Do not fear the attack. Use the questions raised to clarify your understanding. If your beliefs are sound, a closer examination of them will hurt nothing and add to your wisdom.

Be aware of childish obstinacy. If you find your stance is wrong, admit defeat and refine your beliefs so that they will stand up to examination. On the other hand, do not give up the fight out of fear.

Guess you’ve been reading the comments sections of Youtube now, Tarot. I recently posted a remark on a video talking about the failures and continued failure of the Democrat Party and I made the comment that perhaps it was time to dump it and start a true workers’ party. Some dude commented later did I mean like in the failed USSR and North Korea and I commented no, a socialism party like they have over in some of the countries in Europe where they have free market socialism that seems to be doing well. Well, this guy tore into me like a mad man, cursing me and telling me to go live over there if I wanted to live under socialism, that the US was a free capitalistic country and I didn’t deserve to live here with my kind of thinking. It was truly shocking. I’d dealt with right-wingers before, but I couldn’t even tell if this guy was a right-wing conservative Republican or just a mad man. Finally, this morning, I just told him that he was too angry a person for me to communicate with and I wished him well. I didn’t fear him, I just couldn’t deal with that level of anger and hatred. I don’t think my stance is wrong either. It’s just a difference of opinions. But you’d thought I’d committed treason from the way this guy was slinging hatred at me. He may have just been a troll, but he was certainly a disturbing one.

01.03.17 – End of Day Notes

What I did today:  I slept in this morning, something I haven’t done in quite a while. I just kept hitting that snooze button over and over again. When I finally woke up fully, I had a sore throat and a coughing fit. Ugghhsss.. I have the crud that my sister brought into the house. Mine isn’t as severe (yet) as dad and brother’s is, but it’s there. I feel it. That meant going to the store and getting cold meds. Spent most of the afternoon catching up on my posts and trying to work on Andromeda Dreaming, but since I feel like crap, the creative flow just isn’t there. It will probably be some time tomorrow before I get the next part of my story finished. I am just too exhausted tonight to finish it.

What I learned today:  I read a post over at Judie Sigdel’s blog about creating vision boards and I think I will give that a shot. It’s a good way to visually create intentions for the upcoming year. 

What I am most proud of today? I didn’t panic while dad was driving today. He kept going over to the shoulder of the road and while it was scary, I didn’t lose it. I think he should have waited another day before driving after that over-medicated scare yesterday, but we made it to the next town and home again all in one piece.

What did you do today, dear readers? Learn any lessons? Have a reason to be proud? Share your thoughts with me in the comments!

10 Daily Currents – 01.03.17

It is Tuesday at 3:21 pm and I am currently…

1. listening: the hum of my fan

2. eating: nothing solid. Doing a cleansing fast

3. drinking: ice water and Earl Grey tea

4. wearing: red top, black slacks, black socks

5. feeling: a bit under the weather.. woke up with a cough and sore throat, now just having a sinus thing

6. weather: chilly, grey skies, expecting more rain later

7. wanting: some soup, but will settle for chicken broth in a while

8. needing: to work on my story, Andromeda Dreaming

9. thinking: looks like I may have caught that damn bug after all

10. enjoying: a spot of tea

Dear readers, if you’d like to join me with these 10 Dailies, snag them and link back to my blog so I can read your dailies.

The Sandbox Writing Challenge #14 — Simplify!

 

What can you do to simplify your life?

I have to have order to simplify my life. That means a calendar so I can map out my days, weeks and months. I also need to keep notes. I have three notebooks. One for writing ideas, one for keeping track of my diet and health, and one for general notes to remind myself of things I need to do, like bills to pay, groceries, etc. Another of my tricks is to keep a timer nearby. If I have a lot of projects to work on, I will give myself an allotted period of time to work on them and the timer comes in handy. I’ve been using my timer a lot lately with reading. I have so many books to read and try to read at least two at a time. I give myself an hour on one and then an hour on another.

I often end up resenting myself for being so structured, but I know it is for my own good. If I didn’t have structure, my life would either be chaotic or I would just turn into a lazy slug. Sometimes, when I get off schedule (like today), I feel like such a failure, but I am trying to overcome that. It’s good to be structured and scheduled, but I also need to remind myself that I don’t need to have something planned for every minute of the day, that I need to leave room for life and randomness, and that sometimes I just need some ‘me’ time.

The Daily Me (Journal) Familiar Memory – 01/03/17

Today’s prompt comes via Writing Our Way Home, as part of the email section of the course Journaling Your Way Home. (Note: If you’d like to join in, you can purchase the course at the Journaling Your Way Home address above to receive both the e-book and the emails)

“Writing is an exploration. You start from nothing and learn as you go.”
~E. L. Doctorow

Start with a familiar memory. Re-enter it. Live it again. Let go into fantasy if you like. Go where the writing takes you.

You know how you can smell something and it takes you back in time to a memory? I did that this morning. I was refiling my humidifier and suddenly smelt salt water. It made no sense. There’s nothing salty about the mist from the humidifier, but there it was anyway. Salt water. My mind instantly drifted back in time to the mid-to-late 90s when I was attending Hollins College and my friend Claire and I would take Spring Break trips to Nags Head. Suddenly, I was there again – walking along the sandy shore, listening to the Ocean breathing, and feeling the cool salt water on my face. I felt her calling me, enticing me to join her, to be one with her. She has that effect on me, lulling me into a state of complete bliss.

I am pulled into her foam-green petticoats, swirling around with her, allowing myself to drift further out and under. I feel the pressure as she gently coaxes me to go deeper and deeper. I want to be with her. To become her. To be inexplicably one with her and never resurface. I don’t worry that I am made of flesh and blood. I am also made of water and can, therefore, become water. I watch as schools of fish swim by. They are as curious of me as I am of them. What is a human doing so deep? Is she out of her mind? Surely she will drown, or perhaps she will adapt. I’d like to adapt, grow my own gills so I never have to leave this place. Then I could not only be one with the Ocean, but also one with the dolphins, whales and sharks.

In the distance, I hear a raven cawing and am lifted from the sea. There is a war going on inside of me. A battle between the call of the Ocean and the call of the Raven. To be deep in the sea, or soaring through the air. I want to be with both, but I know that I cannot. I realize it is my dual nature as part Gemini and part Cancer, a cuspie. To be of Air and Water. In my mind, I return to my mountains feeling wholly unsatisfied and wanting.

My Daily Tarot – Nine of Swords

 

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01/03/17 – Nine of Swords

You are agonizing over something. For whatever reason you are working through this alone, even though help is nearby. Reach out and allow someone to guide and comfort you. 

Be aware of isolation. You may feel like you’re alone or your pride may stop you from reaching out. You’re not alone and your pride may cost you more than you know.

Pondersome, Tarot. My only agony at the moment is my health, and yes, it is troubling me something fierce, especially when I see how far down the same problem has dragged my dad. I won’t go back to the doc though. He will just put me back on insulin. While it will bring my blood sugar down to acceptable levels, it also makes me gain weight and then I have the doc harping at me that I need to lose weight. So I will deal with this on my own by fasting periodically and leaving the carbs alone. I’m not really so isolated though. I have a Facebook support group to fall back on. I just have to engage with them.

 

01.02.17 – End of Day Notes

What I did today:  Today was a worrisome day. My dad isn’t feeling well. He has a bad cough and a bit of a cold. Last night, he took two different cold medicines and went to bed. They had a negative effect on him, left him weak and dizzy. He fell in the bathroom and it scared the hell out of me. My brother helped him downstairs and I’ve been sitting vigil most of the day, keeping an eye on him. He’s finally able to walk on his own without falling. 

What I learned today:  This fasting thing is always so hard during the first few days. I’ve been using the rubber band method to keep me from wanting food. Day 2 is almost over and I know tomorrow will be another difficult day. After that? Smooth sailing. 

What I am most proud of today? I’ve allowed myself to sleep off and on, in between watching over my dad. Normally, I would have forced myself to stay awake with something this important and end up sick from it myself.. Sleep when he sleeps, awake when he awakens. It’s worked out well today.

What did you do today, dear readers? Learn any lessons? Have a reason to be proud? Share your thoughts with me in the comments!