The Daily Me (Journal) Whose Sake? – 11/30/2016

Today’s prompt comes from 100 Inspirational Journal Prompts by Melissa Bolton @ The Mogul Mom

Someone that you are keeping in your life for their sake, not yours.

I can honestly say that I have given up everyone I kept for a long time for their sake and/or my own. I held on to these people believing that they would change, or I could save them or they would eventually enrich my life in some way. And then I realized, I am not doing this to help my life in anyway, I was doing it for them. I didn’t want them to suffer even though they made my life miserable. I didn’t want them to feel pain by my choice to move on. I fretted and worried. Did they fret or worry over me? Hardly. With each of them, I thought, I’ve known this person for so long, why throw away a friendship because of a, b, or c? I was only giving them more ammunition to ignore me unless it suited them, change their minds about visiting, or selfishly expect me to drop whatever I was doing to be with them whenever they chose. I was not living my life. I was always waiting on/for them.

I let one go in August of 2015. It was a difficult decision because he had been a major part of my life since my early 20s. The next one I let go in December of 2015. She’d moved away, gone on with her life, but I felt the need to keep emailing her twice a year to show her I still cared. I would receive maybe a couple words from her a year. Who’s sake was I holding on for? I had to let her go. And the last was in May of 2016. I’d tried to let her go the year before, but decided to give her one last chance. By May, it was apparent that she’d fallen back into the same ole pattern that had made me let her go the previous year.

These were difficult choices. It now means that I am down to two semi-local friends (they both live a good distance away, one 45 mins, the other 2 hrs – and I have no car). I have no social life, stay at home 90% of the time, and only get to talk to my friends on the phone or via email. I do have many online friends, but somehow it isn’t the same as having someone to share things with on a person to person level. Still, it is better than wasting away waiting on so-called friends to find the time to be with me. I’d rather be alone.

The Daily Me (Journal) Friendship – 11/21/2016

Today’s prompt comes from 100 Inspirational Journal Prompts by Melissa Bolton @ The Mogul Mom

What does being a friend mean to you?

I have a difficult time trusting people, plus I am so quirky and awkward that I don’t attract many friends. I often say that I have a lot of acquaintances, but few friends. And that is true. I can count on one hand the number of truly devoted friends that I have.

For me, a true friend knows how to sit in silence with me. I live in my head 99% of the time and cannot tolerate an overly chatty person. A true friend also gives me space when I need it. As an introvert and empath, I need a lot of down-time. A true friend also knows that an email is better than a phone call because I don’t like to talk on the phone. And although I am a gift-giver, a true friend knows that I do not accept gifts well. I prefer the friend’s time over a gift any day.

I guess being a friend to me means that someone has taken the time to get to really know and understand me. A friend cares about my needs above their own. This is how I treat friends as well. I can’t do selfish, “me first” people. I don’t understand them and they tend to annoy and frustrate me.

Fessin’ Up Time

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently about the relationship that I have with my ‘selfish’ friend Lisa and the demands that she puts on me. As some of you know, the reason I started the Hump Day Poetry thing on A Whispered Wind was because Lisa issued me a challenge. In some ways, it was indeed a challenge, but in other ways, it was more of a guilt-induced demand. She saw that I had writing goals lined up for the entire year – some fiction and some poetry. She much prefers my poetry to my fiction and grumbled about how little poetry I would actually be writing this upcoming year. I tried to explain to her that it was difficult for me to switch back and forth between a fiction mindset and a poetic mindset, so if I was writing fiction, I wouldn’t be writing much poetry. She used the “what about me?” card. But if I truly loved her, I would write poetry, just for her. And that’s when she came up with the idea of me taking one day of the week to write a poem just for her. Reluctantly, I agreed.

I should have said no. I know my writing schedule for the year. I know the demands it will be making on me. I know how switching back and forth is difficult for me. So why did I agree? Partly because I didn’t want to hear her whine about how I didn’t love her enough to do this for her once a week. And partly because my word for the year is Abundance and I made a promise to myself that when opportunities came knocking, I would rise to the occasion. Especially if they were writing related. Still, I should have said no. What started out as a whimsical endeavor has become a soul-sucking one. I dread every Wednesday that rolls around. I become moody and dark, and these emotions last for several days. I don’t want to talk to her on the phone and I don’t want to read her emails. I’ve grown to resent her for pushing this on me.

So when I wrote last week’s poem, it encompassed everything that I’ve felt about writing these poems just for her each week – all of the anger, frustration and resentment. After reading it, she sent me this message late that Wednesday:

Well are you really have trouble in
finding the words that you can write
a poem each week sorry to hear this
& I will release you from writing a poem
just one more & you are free as a bird.

And this is where my frustration has grown. Knowing that I am struggling, knowing how I feel, she still wants one more.. one more before she releases me from this challenge.

So I expressed my concerns about this with my friend Claire and she gave me this to think over:

You did tell me you were diagnosed “borderline personality” right? Remember common borderline reaction/behavior: Snap judgment ~ snap-pullout from relationship to save oneself ~ running scared, resulting in abandonment of a friend who may (or, granted, may not) have your best interests at heart.

Ask yourself these questions:

Did you offer to help? even insist??
Is this how she has taken advantage?
Look closely, deeply…

So I’ve been doing as she suggested. And here is where it is time to make a confession. Some of the anger and frustration over this is MY fault. It all boils down to me not being able to say NO and then getting pissy when I have to actually do what I have promised to do even when I know I don’t want to be doing it. And I think because I know some of it is my fault, this is why I can’t bear to talk to her or read her emails. But I don’t think this is a snap judgement issue at all. Lisa and I have had many battles in the past over her demands. She only has time for me when it suits her (i.e. when she has no one else around to keep her company or entertain her) or when she wants me to prove to her that I love her. And no, I don’t think she has my best interests at heart.

I am left with quite a dilemma here. Do I continue to give into her demands and remain friends? Or do I set myself free? Only time will tell. I still have much to ponder here.

A Reason to Laugh and Smile

I will admit it, my life has been hard. Maybe not as hard as some people’s lives, but hard nonetheless. I don’t laugh easily and I don’t smile much. But this quick email from a friend today, made me do both:

When sleeping beauty
wakes up call snow white
and we’ll chat for awhile.

She knows I am on an odd sleep schedule… staying up all night and sleeping during the day. Hence the Sleeping Beauty reference. And since it is snowing outside, well that’s why the Snow White reference. It was clever and amusing. Probably why I love her so.