I am pretty sure I’ve addressed this in other posts. I don’t feel loved. Never have and probably never will. I think if anything, some people merely tolerate me and those who cannot, exit my life. I’m just really not good with people and I don’t pretend to be. I think that makes people uncomfortable around me and prevents people from getting close enough to me to show me genuine love. And because since childhood, I’ve never felt wanted or that I am a burden, I don’t give out love easily and I don’t trust those who claim to love me. It is all so dreadfully complicated. And as such, I’d really just rather not bother with it all. I am better off being alone, and just loving myself.
Now there are ways these days that I show myself love. This is a relatively new thing that I’ve been trying out for about a year. I tell myself daily that I love myself, usually while looking into the mirror at her, and reminding myself that, for better or worse, she and I are one. I buy myself little presents to brighten my day. And I allow myself to have what I call “spa” days were I pamper myself. All of this is better than living a life devoid of any kind of love.