The Sandbox Writing Challenge #25 — Vulnerable

This week’s challenge is What makes you feel vulnerable?

My biggest vulnerable spot is allowing myself to get too close to people online. I have this knack for getting attached to people, enjoying their company, and conversing back and forth with them. It takes me a while to fully open up to people, but it seems like when I am the most comfortable with them, something always goes wrong. They break off contact with me. This has happened more times than I care to admit. And I never know why they break contact. I don’t know if I said something wrong or misinterpreted something. I get no feedback from them. They are there one minute and the next minute they are gone. This has forced me to be a very guarded person. I don’t like being this vulnerable and I don’t like having to caution myself. But I also don’t like being hurt and a few times I was hurt so deeply that I fell into depression. The worst one happened last May and I ditched a whole blog and went off the grid for several months. I am a highly sensitive person and when someone is upset with me, it breaks my heart. But when I cannot even reach someone again to make amends, well, that is the worst part.

I am also vulnerable to narcissists. I seem to be a magnet to these kinds of people. Just about every man I have dated (and one I married) has been a narcissist. Someone explained it to me like this: “Since they have no feelings, they are attracted to those who feel too much.” This is probably true since I am an empath. I don’t know if they want to be around me so they can mirror me or destroy me.  What I *do* know is that a couple of times my relationship with these men very nearly did destroy me. Twice I have escaped just in time to save my sanity. Now I know the subtle clues and I look out for all of the red flags that they send out. It has made it quite difficult for me to even think about dating again.