01.02.17 – End of Day Notes

What I did today:  Today was a worrisome day. My dad isn’t feeling well. He has a bad cough and a bit of a cold. Last night, he took two different cold medicines and went to bed. They had a negative effect on him, left him weak and dizzy. He fell in the bathroom and it scared the hell out of me. My brother helped him downstairs and I’ve been sitting vigil most of the day, keeping an eye on him. He’s finally able to walk on his own without falling. 

What I learned today:  This fasting thing is always so hard during the first few days. I’ve been using the rubber band method to keep me from wanting food. Day 2 is almost over and I know tomorrow will be another difficult day. After that? Smooth sailing. 

What I am most proud of today? I’ve allowed myself to sleep off and on, in between watching over my dad. Normally, I would have forced myself to stay awake with something this important and end up sick from it myself.. Sleep when he sleeps, awake when he awakens. It’s worked out well today.

What did you do today, dear readers? Learn any lessons? Have a reason to be proud? Share your thoughts with me in the comments!

10 Daily Currents – 01.02.17

It is Monday at 4:03 pm and I am currently…

1. listening: dad’s tv from the kitchen (football game), the hum of my white noise machine, Catharine’s whispers

2. eating: nothing solid. Doing a cleansing fast

3. drinking: currently, ice water. Just finished a cup of chicken broth

4. wearing: purple PJs

5. feeling: awake, alert

6. weather: chilly, grey skies

7. wanting: to make it through day 2 without snapping the rubberband again

8. needing: a little ‘me’ pampering time

9. thinking: one more writing bit for the day, then I can go sit in the recliner and finish Splinterlands.

10. enjoying: I just finished reading some amazing flash fiction. There are some awesome writers here on WordPress.

Dear readers, if you’d like to join me with these 10 Dailies, snag them and link back to my blog so I can read your dailies.

Share Your World – January 2, 2017

041514-sywbanner

For Cee’s Share Your World

Would you prefer to receive a unicycle, bicycle, tricycle or motorcycle? Since I have no balance, I guess I will settle for the tricycle, but I’d really like a motorcycle. Maybe I could get one of those cool Trike motorcycles. 

ddc510ba8035f9d2d0b0809b26540c8c.jpg

What is one thing you’d like to accomplish this year? To get through the year without another mental break. That would go a long way for me to accomplish my other goals.

What was one of the highlights of 2016 for you? Being a Bernie Sanders supporter. For an Independent, socialist leaning progressive, he was a breath of fresh air. 

Would you prefer to fly a kite or fly in a hot air balloon? Since I am scared of heights, I would have to fly a kite, but oh how I wish I could go up in a hot air balloon.

Optional Bonus question:  What are you grateful for from last week? My sister showed up days after Christmas and brought a nasty bug into the house. For once, I didn’t get sick. Unfortunately, my dad and brother did. 

and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?  Settling into my new routines, working on my cleansing fast, and engaging with others.

The Sandbox Writing Challenge #13 — How does this relate to your life?

How does this relate to your life?

sand circle 2Imagine finding this figure drawn in the sand.

Is it a circle?

A zero?

The letter “O”?

Relate this figure to your life.

What does it me to you?

It would definitely be a sign from the Universe that my life has come full circle. I’ve spent the majority of my life searching for meaning, love, acceptance, and my own self-esteem, and at 50, I think I’ve finally found most of those things. I left home at 17 thinking that I just wanted to get out there in the world and discover everything. At 48, I ran back home because everything I’d discovered had left me exhausted and broken. Two years on, I feel like I’ve made a decent recovery. I will always be searching for something, but I no longer feel like I am running away from things in my life. I’ve made peace with myself for the first time ever. I feel more whole and complete, another way to view the image above. I’ve discovered so much about myself over these past couple of years and I know I still have a long way to go to fully understand everything, but I am okay with that. In these waning years, all I have now is time and with such an inquisitive mind, I am enjoying this exploration period of my life.

The Daily Me (Journal) Memories 1 – 01/02/17

Today’s prompt comes from Journaling Your Way Home via Writing Our Way Home, in which Kaspa has asked us to write a memory from the timeline of our life that we wrote yesterday. (Note: this is taken from an e-book which I purchased as part of this e-course. If you’d like to join in, you can purchase the course at the Journaling Your Way Home address above)

Why’d They Choose Me?

Looking back on my childhood, I’ve often wondered why those three boys back in grade school chose me to sexually harass. What was it about me that made them feel it was okay to do that to me? Did they notice something about me that made me easily accessible to their perversions? Was it even about me? Or were they just seeing what all they could get away with? Twelve-year-olds. I still can’t wrap my head around it.

I do know it made me feel dirty, cheap and insignificant. I also felt like I deserved it. I never reported it at school and I never told my parents. Truthfully, I didn’t want anyone to know. It became my own shameful secret, but it wasn’t just mine. Those three boys told plenty of other students and my three best friends knew because they were there when it began. I was only eleven, nearly twelve. They stole my innocence and childhood from me. No child that young should have to know the disgusting, sexual things I knew. I still don’t even know how those boys knew those things. Probably from porn magazines and/or movies.

It didn’t even stop after grade school. Those three boys harassed me all through high school too. I wanted so desperately to tell my 9th grade English teacher what a nasty son she had, but I never did. Who would have believed me over a school teacher’s son? Years on, the other two became local cops. Can you imagine any young woman feeling safe if they’d know the way those two carried on as teenagers? The school teacher’s son was one of the local potheads, not sure where he ended up after high school. I do know that when one of the other two who’d become cops died last year, he was given a hero’s funeral and people all over the area came to praise him. If they’d only known what I knew.

I know that’s when my psychological problems began. I became a bulimic because I wanted to be thin like all the ‘good’ girls in school, the ones who were fawned over but not sexually harassed. I was no longer the happy-go-lucky kid. I became withdrawn, dark, and couldn’t stand to be around people. I wasn’t suicidal, but I did cut myself often to get rid of the pain I felt inside. I still have scars on my thighs. I didn’t want anyone to see what I’d done, so I hid it away. I hid a lot of things in those years.

That Summer of ’79 only confirmed my suspicions that it must have been something about me. That was the summer that my sister’s then-boyfriend backed me into the alcove behind the staircase at home and molested me. It was 4th of July and it was supposed to have been a fun time with family and friends.

Dad was barbecuing in the backyard, mom was making salads in the kitchen, my sister was outside with family and my brother was upstairs. I remember mom had put on some Elvis music. I went through the hallway from the living room headed toward the kitchen. I got to the doorway of the dining room and got pulled into that alcove. I remember Little Sister was playing and J whispered into my ear, “Big sister does. Does little sister?” I can’t even listen to that song anymore without remembering his hands all over me and his tongue down my throat. I hate to think what might have happened if my brother hadn’t come down the stairs. He let me loose and I fled to the backyard. I never told a soul what he did and he acted like nothing had happened when he joined my sister a few minutes later.

I think the shame I felt in those days led me to be promiscuous later on in my life. I was looking for love and acceptance, and I didn’t care what sleazy guy I ended up with to get them. Of course, I never found either and I only hate myself more because of it. I learned self-loathing at the tender age of twelve and it persisted until about three years ago when I decided to be celibate and start loving myself.

 

My Daily Tarot – Queen of Swords

da8413a2ee00fd399f2a733b8cd8eded

01/02/17 –  Queen of Swords

You have used your mind, truth and logical thinking to create order in your world. You’ve taken your suffering and joys and marred them to a useful philosophy so that you are at ease in the world. You are a good and helpful friend, although some may say you lack emotion.

Be aware of depending too much on order. Remember to be flexible when things don’t go your way. Allow others to behave as they believe right. Your ways are not everyone’s ways. Do not divorce yourself from your emotions in an effort to protect yourself.

This was a qualifying card before when I drew it, but I think it has more significance now, eh Tarot? Yes, I have put my world in order again and yes, I know how badly that turned out last year. But I swear, Tarot, I have given myself some flexibility this time. I won’t be doing (or attempting to do) major writing projects every month this year. I’ve given myself some months off. I do need structure and routines though or I will spend all of my time watching Netflix, Hulu and Youtube and get absolutely nothing else accomplished. My goals are not as high this year and all of the side writing projects do not have to be done. If I don’t feel like writing drabbles, poetry or flash fiction one day, I simply won’t do it. I have a feeling that this card will continue to crop up though. I know you will be keeping an eye on me, dear Tarot.

01.01.17 – End of Day Notes

What I did today:  Today was a bit busy for me. I spent the day getting used to my new routine. Yes, there are always routines with me and then I grow to regret them, but for now, a new routine. Writing – there will always be that. Lots of journal writing and drabbles. Trying to hone my skills. Also started a new writing course. That should definitely help with my writing.  A cleansing fast – did a 7-day a few months back and rather liked the feeling of emptiness at the end. I am shooting for 14 days this time. 

What I learned today:  That my great-niece Skylor loves to read. That thrilled me beyond tears. I now have a young mind to expand, even if it isn’t my place to do so. Her sister, Autumn loves art and Hot Wheels. Her grandfather is encouraging the Hot Wheels part, which also thrills me. I hate gender specific toys. 

What I am most proud of today? I’ve been gentle with myself today. Not over-doing anything even though I have this burning desire to exercise. I know that isn’t good on a cleansing fast, so lots of pampering and resting. The exercising can begin once I am finished with the fast. 

What did you do today, dear readers? Learn any lessons? Have a reason to be proud? Share your thoughts with me in the comments!

Song Lyric Sunday – Feeling Good by Nina Simone

p01bqfft.jpg

Feeling Good

Nina Simone

Birds flying high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin’ on by you know how I feel.

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life for me yeah

It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me
Ouh
And I’m feeling good

Fish in the sea you know how I feel
River running free you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree you know how I feel

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what I mean, don’t you know
Butterflies all havin’ fun you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done that’s what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world for me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the pine you know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good

Songwriters: Leslie Bricusse / Anthony Newley
Feeling Good lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, T.R.O. Inc.


img_1345

Song Lyric Sunday is the brainchild of Helen Espinosa. Feel free to join us each Sunday!

10 Daily Currents – 01.01.17

It is Sunday at 12:48 pm and I am currently…

1. listening: iHeart Radio, Rock Nation – Hail to the King by Avenged Sevenfold

2. eating: nothing solid. Doing a cleansing fast

3. drinking: ice water, Earl Grey Tea

4. wearing: Black PJs

5. feeling: anxious, hoping I haven’t set the bar too high

6. weather: cold, grey clouds

7. wanting: to feel empty

8. needing: to work on writing projects

9. thinking: Dad and Bill both caught the bug my sister brought with her on the 27th when she visited. How did I miss it? I usually catch everything. Just grateful it hasn’t hit me yet. Need to stay away from them.

10. enjoying: a smoke

Dear readers, if you’d like to join me with these 10 Dailies, snag them and link back to my blog so I can read your dailies.

The Daily Me (Journal) My Life’s Timeline – 01/01/17

Today’s prompt comes from Journaling Your Way Home via Writing Our Way Home, in which Kaspa has asked us to write a timeline of our life. (Note: this is taken from an e-book which I purchased as part of this e-course. If you’d like to join in, you can purchase the course at the Journaling Your Way Home address above)

My Life’s Timeline

June 20, 1966 – Loretta Anne was born on this day in Covington Virginia

Late April, 1972 – Reye’s Syndrome, coma, near-death. One of two survivors, but unscathed.

Late April, 1972 – By contract, I’Ceen, an Andromedan, walked into Loretta’s body and resumed all of her functions.

1974 – Family moved to Clifton Forge VA

1978 – Sexual harassment by male classmates

Summer 1979 – Molested by sister’s then-boyfriend

Autumn 1979 – Began high school (eighth grade)

1983 – Graduated a year early from high school

Autumn 1983 – Began community college taking Business Management courses

Spring 1984 – Moved out of parents’ house for the first time and in with 3 classmates; began having casual sex

Late Autumn 1984 – Quit college and moved to Covington Virginia, worked at Roses Department store and then Groggins Plastics for a short while

Spring 1985 – Met Andy via my sister (8 years older than me), moved to Greensboro NC, lived with sister and brother-in-law, dated Andy

Late Summer 1985 – got kicked out of sister’s place for being a shameful hussy, her words; moved back to Covington VA; met David, a Mormon missionary; joined the LDS church; prepared myself to marry David the following year when his mission would be over.

Mid-Winter 1986 – David and I broke up; Andy came for a visit; I got pregnant.

Early Spring 1986 – Married Andy and moved to Burlington NC; lost the baby at end of 1st trimester; left him at the end of 7 months (he was abusive); quit attending the LDS church because I was shunned for leaving my husband

November 1986 – moved back to Covington VA, got a job as a receptionist at a Hotel; met Jim; filed for divorce.

January 1987 – Summer 1989 – lived with Jim; divorce finalized; Jim asked me to marry him; worked two-to-three jobs. Began to realize who I really was: a walk-in. It would be another 24 years before I would discover all of it fully.

Summer 1989 – Early Spring 1991 – broke up with Jim (he got cold feet); moved out; began having more casual sex and partying with friends. Began studying Wicca

Mid-Spring 1991 – moved back home to Clifton Forge; got a job at a restaurant; enrolled at the community college

Autumn 1991 – began classes at CC

Spring 1992 – began an affair with a married man named Mike; got pregnant; had a miscarriage when I found out he’d been cheating on not only his wife with me, but on both of us with another woman (couldn’t eat or sleep, became ill and lost baby). That miscarriage caused me to become sterile.

Autumn 1992 – Met Jaime, became fast friends; met Dameon at the Fall’s Festival and began dating him; he moved in with me in November of that year.

Spring 1993 – Discovered Dameon was cheating on me; kicked him out; moved in with Jaime; we became lovers; graduated from CC.

Autumn 1993 – Summer 1997 – Went to Hollins College; began going by the name Lori instead of Loretta; met Claire (my Reiki Master); worked part-time at a convenience store;  met ‘the name that shall not be spoken’ and had a six month fling; still lived with Jaime (we were mostly companions by this time); graduated with a BA in English in 1995, MALS in 1997

Autumn 1997 – Broke up completely with Jaime (we remained friends though until I moved to OK in 2005); moved to Roanoke VA; still going to Hollins University, taking a CAS in Creative Writing

Winter 1997 – Winter 1998 – had casual sex with multiple partners, both male and female; began studying Buddhism

Winter 1998 – Met John; he moved in

Spring 1999 – finished CAS only to learn that I would not get my certificate due to financial issues at the college, nor my other transcripts; kicked out John; began working at Allstate

1999 – December 2000 – lots of casual sex; worked at Allstate; had first nervous breakdown in October; put on antidepressants and anxiety meds.

January 2001 – October 2001 – Met the estranged one online; met in person in April; he moved in in June; I quit work at Allstate due to mental state; he and I married in October.

November 2001 – April 2005 – Went to work at convenience store and did secretarial work for a car salesman; rocky start to marriage (he drank a lot); agreed to move to Oklahoma with him

April 2005 – 2008 – lived in OK with estranged one; didn’t work; stayed home, miserable and homesick

2008 -2009  – estranged one came off the road (he was a truck driver) due to an accident; got my first job since moving there at a smoke shop; had casual sex with a few customers; met Tanya online

Autumn 2009 – Tanya moved down from Canada to be with me; big fight with the estranged one; moved out with Tanya for 6 months

Late Spring 2010 – Lost job at smoke shop because of mental illness; lost house with Tanya; moved back in with the estranged one

June 20, 2010 – Tanya went back to Canada; suicide attempt and hospitalized on June 26th

Autumn 2010 – 2012 – series of suicide attempts (7 in all); hospitalizations; diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder and severe OCD; moved out and in with Carol (met at mental hospital) three separate times; had a fling with a married man while living with Carol; finally moved back in with the estranged one in March 2012. In 2011, I was contacted by an Andromedan named Fulsan who began my education on who I truly am and why I am here.

October 2012 – March 2013 – diagnosed with uterine cancer, surgery and round of chemo

Late March 2013 – final suicide attempt and hospitalization in OK.

October 2014 – left the estranged one and Oklahoma; moved back to Virginia and in with Dad and brother.

Late 2014 to Present – still living with Dad and brother; celibate; nervous breakdown in June 2016 and hospitalized; found out the estranged one is transgender; giving him my full support; spend time writing; still in contact with Fulsan.

And there you go, dear readers. The. Most. Honest timeline of my life that I have ever done, filled with all of my shameful deeds. I think I need a good stiff drink now. It’s a shame it is so early in the morning. Some of these will be flushed out with other exercises from this course.