Where Did She Go?

Hello Lovelies! It’s been a long time since I have blogged here. In fact, my last blog was in July of 2018. A LOT has happened since then. How about a little recap?

Late July 2018 – My father went into the hospital, which turned into a long stay and my brother decided he was no longer going to drive me to doc appointments or to get food, or even to see my dad while he was in the hospital. Long story short, we got into an argument and I became enemy #1 as a result. Only by the grace of strangers was I able to get my meds and food.

October 2018 – Dad in recovery at a nursing home. Brother still not helping me and threatens to call the cops and have me kicked out of DAD’s house in September, so I searched everywhere local for a place to move to without any luck.  Finally contacted my estranged husband and moved back to Oklahoma. The very day I leave, dad comes home, but I don’t even get to say goodbye.

May 2019 – My father dies and since I am estranged from my family, no one tells me. I find out via a cousin’s FB post. In the meantime, I end up in the hospital with a severe kidney infection that takes over a month to heal.

Just days before Christmas 2019 – My brother commits suicide. The only silver lining… my sister and I have reconnected. She has been a guiding light for me since.

So it has been a rough couple of years, but I am doing ok. My husband and I get along most of the time, even though we no longer have a traditional marriage. We are more like companions now and even have separate bedrooms. I am once again in therapy and have learned some interesting things about the family dynamics that I grew up in and how those dynamics changed everything (will tell that story in another post soon). This time, I LOVE being back in Oklahoma. A few years ago, I swore I would never come back here, but now I am glad that I did. I’ve reconnected with my inlaws and love them all so much. My health has improved as I’ve gone on a Whole Foods/Plant-Based diet. I am happy, fulfilled and as of today, I’ve even started writing again. I think I am going to be fine.

I hope to make, if not daily, at least weekly updates here. Some of my posts will likely be about current events, spiritual matters, and a few odds and ends. Looking forward to reconnecting with everyone here. Much love & blessings, my dear lovelies!

 

The Joy of Affirmation – Angel Number 333

As I related in my last post, I’ve been struggling a lot with what is going on in the US since Trumpism took over. I see this country sliding into a Theo-Fascist state (fascism mixed with hard far-right Christian doctrine) and yes, it worries the crap out of me. I have many strikes against me should I be deemed an enemy of the state – I am not a Christian, I am primarily a Buddhist who believes in Christ Consciousness, Angels and Ascended Masters. I am bisexual. I am disabled, both mentally (bipolar disorder, BPD, GAD w/panic attacks, and OCD)and physically (neuropathy in both feet due to chemo use years ago for uterine cancer). I lean more toward Democratic Socialism politically. And finally, I am a woman of middle age who can no longer bear children. No reasons whatsoever for a Theo-Fascist state to keep me around.

So all these things keep me awake, anxious and unsettled. I wake up wondering what fresh new hell Trump has put us through and go to sleep wondering if we will ever get our country back. For a long time, I also fell asleep asking “Does the Divine even care what is happening here?” or “Is this truly the will of the Divine and if so, why?” As a Buddhist, I am supposed to just let this pass and focus on the here and now. I know this. And I do try. Yet, I am still unnerved and disturbed by all that is going on in the US and the damage being done to our allies and neighbors.

In a dream, that I believe was directed by the Archangel Michael, I sat through the history of the human race for a course in a university’s large auditorium. The topic was how civilizations fall. The professor’s theory was to teach humility. The peoples of these civilizations had become so greedy, so corrupt, and so out of sync with the universe, that they had to learn humility and so horrid leaders rose up and destroyed that civilization. The result was a more humble people, ready to embrace a more democratic way of living.

When I awoken that very early morning (due to pfairies chasing me to the bathroom), I glanced at the clock by my bed and the time was 3:33 am. A smile creased my face as I hurried to the bathroom. I know about Angle numbers. Generally I will see 111 or 222, etc. But rarely do I get 333. 333 is unique. It stands for peace, love and harmony, but it is also the call number of the Ascended Master Jesus, the very person I’d been hoping to hear from for a while! It lead me to believe that yes, the Divine is still with us and knows what is going on and we have not been abandoned. Peace, love and harmony will win out in the end, but first, we need to be humbled as a nation.

That ray of hope sustained me for a while. And then Supreme Court Justice Kennedy decided to retire, giving Trump another chance to pack the highest court with an ultra-Conservative rightwing justice. I envisioned Roe vs Wade going away. I envisioned my sisters and brothers in the LGBTQ community having their right to marriage slip away. I envisioned all of the civil rights we on the Left have worked so hard for slipping away as well. I could see the US definitely becoming my worst nightmare – a Theo-fascist nation with all the hallmarks of Gilead from The Handmaid’s Tale. Again, I was despondent over this and fretted for days and nights about it. And just when I’d given up all hope, I awoken two mornings ago at 3:33 am again. The Ascended Master Jesus had again assured me that all would be well. Not to fret so – peace, love and harmony would prevail.

So I wanted to share this with my readers and ask if any of you have been receiving messages of this kind, either through dreams or Angel numbers? If so, I hope you will share them with me. If not, I accept all discussions on this topic. Thank you all!

 

What’s Happened to America’s Moral Compass?

I don’t consider myself to be the most moral person in the country nor am I now a Christian, but for decades, I could rely on the Conservative Christian Right to tell me if we, as Americans, had crossed a moral barrier. I didn’t always listen to them because, frankly, sometimes they overreacted about things. I learned early on as an adult that if the CCR were up in airs about something, to check the moderate conservatives and centrist liberals to judge exactly how “out there” the CCR was reacting about any given topic. For the most part, the CCR relied on Bible scriptures to pump up their tirades. They seemed to have a scripture for anything they deemed immoral. I always had this fear in the back of my mind that some day the CCR would take control of the entire political system and we would end up in a theocracy instead of a Constitutional Republic. Now, however, there seems to be absolutely no moral compass at all coming from the CCR. They have so completely enveloped Trumpism and seem to give Trump a pass on everything once deemed immoral by their own mouths.

I’m not saying that the CCR was America’s only moral compass. In fact, I think they were reactionaries more than morality setters. However, I do think we Americans depended on the CCR to set a tone or pace in the USA that we could all measure our own moral compasses upon. If I thought the CCR was being outrageous about topics like the LGBTQ community or abortion, for instance, I could weigh my own values against theirs. This often forced me to do research and seek out others’ opinions – in a way, it created a balancing act for me. I guess that is why now, in the age of Trump, I feel unbalanced. The CCR has become so outrageous, so corrupt, that there is no balance anymore.

Sure, they still scream about gays being an abomination and those who seek an abortion as “baby killers”, but now they give passes on adultery, pedophilia, unabashed lying, blatant antisemitism against Jews (while professing to love them so they will convert to good Christians and usher in Armageddon), xenophobia against Muslims, and blaming their woes on “other-isms” (toward immigrants and other POC) that is running rampant in this country.

Maybe I just completely missed something during my years as a Christian, but I always thought that in order to be a good Christian, you tried to obey the 10 Commandments and Jesus’ ideal of “loving thy neighbor as thyself,” and follow Jesus’ other teachings and complete acceptance of Jesus’ love. I also thought that the meek would inherit the earth and rich men wouldn’t easily get into heaven. And yet we now have prosperity preachers (some very much members of the CCR) telling people that it is okay to be wealthy, in fact, God wants us all to be wealthy, which creates an atmosphere of envy, jealousy and greed.

It also doesn’t help that some on the Right have adopted Ayn Rand’s Objectivism philosophy, which suggests that the proper moral purpose of one’s life is the pursuit of one’s own happiness, individual rights and pretty much to hell with anyone else. This has caused many on the Right, including Paul Ryan, to become extremely selfish. While these people confess to be Christians, they certainly do not act like followers of Christ who taught love, compassion, and charity to the poor, the sick, children and the elderly. No, these people only care about what’s in it for themselves and to hell with anyone else. We are seeing this play out now in the Trump Administration:

• Trying to knock thousands off of healthcare by continuously trying to repeal the ACA (Obamacare – a name they gave it to make their base rally against it)
• The erosion of women’s reproductive rights by constant attacks on Planned Parenthood (which does much more than advise on abortions, which many women, children and even men in poor neighborhoods depend on for free health services)
• Attempts at privatizing Social Security, slashing it, or killing it outright (something the elderly and disabled depend on)
• Wanting to do away with Medicaid (which millions of poor American’s depend on, especially for their children)
• Rolling back regulations for clean air, water and food that will effect everyone, except perhaps the very wealthy
• Giving permanent tax cuts to the uber wealthy and corporations, but for lower incomes, those tax cuts will expire in a few years.

I could go on and on with the things this Administration has attempted, has succeeded, and still wish to do that will have devastating effects for millions of Americans. And throughout it all, they still claim to be Christians and are attempting to push their brand of Christianity onto all Americans – a restrictive, cruel, and selfish brand of Christianity (I can definitely see phantoms of Margret Atwood’s Gilead in our future if they succeed).

With all of this selfishness and greed setting the tone in this country, I no longer know where our moral compass lies. I struggle daily to understand all of it. It puzzles me that so many CCRs still consider Trump and many in his Administration and those in Congress to be following the tenets of Christianity. I find myself turning more and more to Buddhism (my now chosen belief system) and Christ Consciousness for answers and as my moral compasses. It’s a shame how far the Right has changed in the past few decades and I wonder if they will ever find their own moral center again and if they don’t, what devastating effects it will have upon our entire nation if they remain in power.

If any of my readers would like to share their thoughts with me about this, please leave a comment below. Thank you.

Black Holes, Burdens and Lightworkers

I’ve been speaking with a lot of lightworkers, Reiki Masters, alternative healing gurus, etc of late. Most of us agree, a dark black hole has been swallowing us up, or so it feels. It’s as if the more work we do to heal ourselves and the planet, the harder it becomes to get our work done. It’s as if we’ve taken the burden of the entire world on our backs and are dredging through thick muck.

Enough of the analogies, but one thing is certain, some THING is working mighty hard to defeat our work. A few lightworker friends of mine on Youtube are signaling a defeatist attitude. They don’t even know if the work they are doing is getting through and are close to quitting.

I am not sure when some lightworkers began to feel whatever this THING is, but I noticed it immediately after the 2016 election. Sure, I’ve known opposition most of my life and it has been bad in years past. That happens when you are a Violet Flame, Walk-In, and lightworker. You just expected it and have dealt with it the best you can. But this… whatever the hell THIS is, is menacing beyond words. I go through my routine of daily channeling good energy to the Earth, Reiking those who need it and have asked for it, doing the ho’oponopono meditation I do before I sleep, and communing with my spirit guides. And I have felt this enormous weight on my back, like I am trying to hold up the entire world – I now know how Atlas must have felt! It has manifested into physical pain in my body, all down my left side from lower back to hip to side of the leg to knee down calf to foot. I know it has to do with whatever this clearing, cleansing, cleaning thing I am trying to do because it isn’t constant or consistent. It only aches painfully when I am doing my work. Normally, doing my work rejuvenates me, but not since Nov 2016.

So I had a long conversation tonight with my Reiki Master about this. She has assured me that the work is getting done and that this black hole or dark muck is but an illusion being thrown out there at us to get us to stop being the resistance to whatever this THING is. As she explained it all to me, the pain on my left side began to ease. So is it too just an illusion to put me into so much pain that I will give up my work? I hope not, but if it is, I will just keep plowing through it. The work is too important.

Batting 100 – R.I.P

It was bad enough that the friend I’d just reconciled with dropped me like I never existed, but now my girlfriend has cheated on me. She knew how devastated I was about the broken friendship and we’d just spent four days together. We also talked every day on the phone, online and via emails together. It wasn’t as if I’d been ignoring her. We were so new, so fresh, just a little over a month as lovers. And she cheated. With a man. Oh but it meant nothing –  her words. She still loves me, wants me, needs me. So why the cheating? And I am supposed to forgive and forget.

Well, I cannot. This was a last chance at love for me. It took a lot out of me to give away my heart one more time. And of all the people in the world, she was the last person I ever thought would hurt me. A life-long friend who’d always cared, or so I thought. Someone I swore I’d never go there with for fear of ruining a friendship, but she convinced me that she wouldn’t hurt me. Promised me that she wouldn’t hurt me and in less than 45 days, she did just that.

I am more than done. I see a dark, lonely cave in my future and I couldn’t be more glad.

 

“Friends” – What Are They Good For?

In recent months, I have reconnected with an old high school friend. After a bit of a tiff years ago, we hadn’t spoken since the late 1990s, but seemed to fall right back into our friendship as though it had never ended. She’d been going through some rough patches in her love life and recently had a run-in with the law, resulting in an upcoming court date. I’ve been there for her through all her recent woes, tried to be understanding, give advice when asked, offer solutions, guidance, or just a shoulder to cry/lean on.

Lately, she has been distant. I know she is worried about her upcoming court date, so I’ve tried to give her as much space as possible, just leaving her encouraging messages once or twice a week on Facebook, to let her know I am thinking about her and if she needs me, to call. I did my first of the week message posts today, but got an unusual response – “Please stop.”

I was dumbstruck. Still dumbstruck. I haven’t a clue what I’ve done wrong. All I have heard from her is that no one has been there for her or really cared and when I’ve tried, this is the response I get? It feels like someone sucker punched me in the stomach. I’ve listened to her cry over a lost love at all hours of the day and night. Listened to her complain about the relationship she is in now. Worried with her over her upcoming court date. Never once I have I told her to shut up and let it go, or not been there to listen. And now, I feel like I’ve wasted my time. I don’t want to feel that way, but I do. And I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong.

Should I just cut her off completely? Not answer if she calls? Just let her go, again? I am so confused, so hurt, so… *sighs*

I swore I’d never let another person hurt me this badly again. Swore I wouldn’t get attached to anyone enough to let them rip out my heart. And yet, I’ve done it again. Time to just go crawl into a hole and ignore the world again.

#MarchForOurLives Mass Event

Yesterday, I participated with hundreds of students, teachers, parents, and other activists locally in the #MarchForOurLives event. It was exhausting and painful for me due to the neuropathy in my feet, but gracious young students kept walking with me, encouraging me and even lending me a hand the few times when I stumbled. Their enthusiasm for this cause exhilarated me!

We shared stories about school life, mine during the 70s and early 80s and theirs today. How different our worlds are. My biggest fear in school was getting knocked down in the hall by a bully, or teased in the girls locker room. They do drills to keep them safe from gunshots.

By all statistics, I would have been one of those with a gun had I been in today’s schools. I was a loner in school. Horribly bullied. Now suffering from multiple mental illnesses (probably had them back then too). There were many like me in school. So why didn’t we turn to gun violence? That is a question which has no answer for me. It never even crossed my mind. I hated the bullies in HS. Despised them with every fiber of my being, but I never wished them death. I just wanted to get through HS and go on with my life. It could have been easy for me. My father owns shotguns. Nothing like what kids can get their hands on today, but I was raised around guns. Still, I couldn’t kill. Not even a housefly.

It can’t all be the bullying. It can’t all be mental illness. It can’t all be the violent video games or movies. There are a million excuses thrown out there as to why some kids decide to take guns and shoot up their schools. I don’t know the answer. I do know that making AR-15s available to kids gives them an easy out. Something that powerful should never be in the hands of a civilian, or in the hands of a child. It is a weapon of war.

We have to do something about gun violence, period, in this country. I don’t want to take away anyone’s 2nd Amendment rights, but we regulate other privileges and rights in this country – driving automobiles, voting, hunting, fishing, usage of parks, etc. And yet we allow the most laxed laws for gun ownership. We need universal background checks. Strict ones. No felons, sexual/domestic abusers, or mentally ill persons should have access to guns. There should be mandatory training for usage and storage of guns. There should be a license to own and carry a gun. No license, you go to jail for a long time. There should be a buy-back policy for anyone who owns AR-15s and the like and then those guns should be publicly destroyed. If a person really wants to use a weapon of war, then let them join the military where they can use one. But for the love of our children and future children, we need to keep them off the streets and out of the hands of civilians.

Yesterday was a huge eye-opener for me. I watched future leaders leading. I saw so many young people fired up and encouraged about their futures. If we adults do not pave the way to keep them safe, they will. And I support all of them. From the Emmas and Davids to all kids everywhere who just want to be safe in school. This also means an end to bullying and making kids feel like “others”. Everyone deserves to fit in. We need to do more to encourage kids to accept others for who they are and not who we wish them to be. I pray this movement grows and we finally get some sensible gun laws in this country. I encourage all young people to get active and become our future leaders. To run for offices from local to national. They will get my votes and my encouragement.

If any of my readers participated yesterday, I would love to hear your stories. Or just your thoughts on gun control. All views are accepted, but please be polite. 

ME Moments & Other Oddities

Some days I feel like I am going out of my mind. No, maybe not quite that far. Perhaps the best way to describe it is that I feel like I’ve stepped into another reality or universe. I don’t even know when it began as I’ve felt odd since around 2012, but I remember the day it finally occurred to me – it was early December of last year (2017). I’d been watching random stuff on Youtube and I came across a video talking about the Mandela Effect or ME.

What is the Mandela Effect?

The Mandela Effect is a phenomenon in which a large group of people remember things differently than how they appear now. The term was coined after Nelson Mandela because a large group of people remember him dying while he was in prison in the 80s or 90s, even though he died in 2013. This group of people have vivid memories of his funeral and people mourning him. Some say late 80s and others say early 90s. This is not the only ME though. In fact, there are so many MEs now that the ME community has become divided between those who are strict ME-ers and those who see MEs in every little thing. The biggest division seems to be with word spellings and corporation logos. I’ll admit, I have many ME moments, but do not agree with every ME I come across.

Here are a few of my eye-opening MEs:

1. Isaiah 11:6 – I will admit that I am not a Christian and have not read the Bible in many decades; however, I was a Christian as a child/teenager and I had a picture of the lion lying in a field with a lamb and remember this passage captioned under it – “And the lion shall lie down with the lamb…”. I also remember it being listed as “The lion shall dwell with the lamb…” Neither exist any longer. In no versions of the Bible. It now reads – “The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.” WOLF? I honestly do not remember wolf. This freaked me out so badly that I went around asking as many Christians as I could if they remembered the lion and lamb verse and many were also startled to realise that it now says wolf.
2. Berenstein Bears – I was an avid reader of these books as a child and remember vividly the name of the bears being BerenstEIn. Nope, now it is BerenstAIn Bears and apparently always has been.
3. “Luke, I am your father.” – Now I will admit that I am not an overly fanatic Star Wars fan; however, I have seen every movie at least 2-3 times. I remember that line so well. Apparently though, it has always been “No (or Know), I am your father.”
4. “ET phone home.” – When this movie first came out, I watched it three times in the theater and then bought the VHS of it. I’ve seen it at least 50 times in the years since. Well, now it says “ET home phone.”
5. “Life is like a box of chocolates.” – I’ve seen Forest Gump a dozen or more times and I remember that line. Now it says, “Life WAS like a box of chocolates.”
6. “You can dance if you want to…” – When Men Without Hats first came out with this song, I fell madly in love with it and would sing it constantly. I know it began with YOU, but apparently now it is “We can dance if we want to…” at the beginning and always has. Granted, I do remember the song changing to WE after that first line, but YOU was there!
7. We Are the Champions – I loved Queen. Hell, I still love Queen. I sang this song all the time. I remember it ending…. “We are the champions…. of the world!” Well, now it just ends with “We are the champions.” You can still find live versions of Queen singing the song and ending it with “of the world,” but the album version no longer has it.

There are tonnes more of these MEs, like name changes – Lynda Carter instead of Linda Carter, Sally Field instead of Sally Fields, Julia Child instead of Julia Childs and on and on. Even movie and tv show changes like Sex and the City instead of Sex IN the City and Interview with the Vampire instead of Interview with A Vampire.

So what do people say about those of us who see these MEs when they do not? That we are just misremembering. I will admit that it is mostly older people, those of us born in the 50s, 60s and 70s who remember things differently, who are seeing these MEs and freaking out, but there are some younger people seeing and remembering things differently too.

What’s Causing MEs?

There are many theories for what may be causing these MEs. Some blame them on CERN or Quantum Computers. Others say that those of us who are seeing MEs have “awakened” and “ascended” to 5D. While others are seeing something malicious in these changes due to time travel and deliberate changes to corrupt history. Some Christians have really freaked out because they are discovering a lot of changes to the Bible and believe that it is Satan’s work to fool Christians and this means that the end of the world is nigh. CERN is a big part of that too because they (those Christians) believe that wormholes have been opened and have allowed demons to come through or those who’ve created these Quantum Computers have been pulling things in from other realities/dimensions.

As for me? I have no idea what is going on. I am freaked out, but it isn’t just because of MEs. I’ve been having other issues too. The biggest for me is that sometimes when I am listening to the tv or something on my computer, I cannot understand what people are saying. It’s as though they are speaking a foreign language that I have never heard and cannot understand. I also hear a lot of frequency changes in my head/ears. If you’ve ever taken a hearing test, then you remember those sounds played to test your range of hearing. That’s what I hear often. Either an increase in frequency or a decrease. And once I heard a gong sound that reverberated in my ears for over a minute.

So those are some of my ME moments and other oddities. If you are interested in MEs, do a Youtube search for Mandela Effect and you will find tonnes of videos on the subject. Not all are true MEs, but who knows, you may find yourself agreeing with some of them.

I would be interested to know if any of my readers remember those above things as I do, or if you remember them as they are now. Leave me a comment and let me know!

 

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

No, I haven’t changed my name to Carmen Sandiego, but I have been MIA for over a year now. I doubt anyone cares, which is why I haven’t updated this blog for so long. Not even sure why I am doing it now.

So where have I been? No where. Still living with my dad. Still separated from my spouse. And still struggling with all the same ole BS that I’ve always been struggling with. I spend most of my time playing Runescape because I have no life. My muses no longer speak to me, so I don’t write. I don’t even have a desire to write. Really, I have little to say and keep to myself most of the time.

I’ve been dealing with depression on and off. Finally got medicated again. It’s helped some. I may begin updating this blog from time to time, but I doubt I will either of my writing blogs. Maybe I won’t even update this one. I just don’t know. I live in a blah existence.

Fun and Frolic in the Woods

Today I went out with my friend Brenda to eat some Italian and then check out the body dump site. Well, it isn’t a body dump site yet, but it will be in my next Rayne Fallon story. So I thought I would share the pics we took with you. My imagination is booming. I don’t even have a new Rayne story on my to-do list for the foreseeable future. That may have to change though. Anyway, the pics:

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I also found a large piece of quartz rock that spoke to me and brought home a laurel branch.

On a side note, I was my authentic self today. I normally dress according to the people I am going to be around. With Brenda, it is usually t-shirts, jeans and tennis shoes. She’s a tomboy and likes to frolic in the woods quite often. I just didn’t feel like t-shirts and jeans today. So instead, I wore a pair of black skinny jeans, a purplish-red crushed velvet, long-sleeved top, and black suede hiking boots. I also painted my nails in the same color as my top, put on make-up, and adorned my wrists with lots of bracelets. For the first time in about 5 years, I felt more like myself. It felt wonderful just to be me.