The Daily Me (Journal) Lessons – 12/22/16

Today’s prompt comes from 100 Inspirational Journal Prompts by Melissa Bolton @ The Mogul Mom

What lessons did you take from your regrets?

The biggest lesson is that life is too short to have regrets. I have to remind myself of this all the time. So I did some regrettable things. Can I change that? No. Time to move on then.

Another is that the past is in the past for a reason. Shit happened. A lot of it. Has it ruined me? A bit perhaps, but not beyond recovery.

So now, I try to do things purposefully and mindfully. I am not reckless like I was in my youth. This leaves less room for regrets.

The Daily Me (Journal) Change – 12/21/16

Today’s prompt comes from 100 Inspirational Journal Prompts by Melissa Bolton @ The Mogul Mom

If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be and why?

My body. Seriously. I am 5’5, large-boned, built like a linebacker on top, with broad shoulders and a protruding belly. The bottom half is thin and flabby. I’ve lost most of my muscle mass since the neuropathy in my feet. It’s difficult to walk much these days, even back and forth in the house. So I do a lot of sitting. Makes for a flat arse and a larger belly too. Sucks so badly. I’ve always been overweight, but never this skewed of a body. I would love to be one consistent shape, preferably lean and toned.

The Daily Me (Journal) Things to Hear – 12/20/16

Today’s prompt comes from 100 Inspirational Journal Prompts by Melissa Bolton @ The Mogul Mom

Some things that you’d like to hear right now.

“There’s nothing wrong with you. You are fine just the way you are.”

Ravens cawing

Laughter

A witty joke

A Linkin Park song, preferably Somewhere I Belong

My blood circulating through my veins

My joints cracking

My muses’ voices

The Daily Me (Journal) Lovable – 12/19/16

Today’s prompt comes from 100 Inspirational Journal Prompts by Melissa Bolton @ The Mogul Mom

Do you feel lovable?

Truthfully? For the most part, no, I don’t. I never felt love from my parents or my siblings. In relationships, I always felt used, not loved, which is probably why none of them lasted long. And for the longest time, I didn’t even love myself. The only times I’ve ever been shown true love was from animals. And even with them, I always doubted if it was true love or they just wanted fed. How sick is that? But that is the reality of my life. Always doubting if someone is showing me affection without strings attached.

Now I just love me and hope that it is enough. Sure, there are things about me that I still don’t like and I am still working on, but I also know that I love me for me with all of my flaws and quirky ways. It was a long road to get to this place. Lots of counseling and spiritual guidance. I had to learn to shut off those negative voices in my head and just listen to the voices of the Archangels Charmeine and Raphael. Charmeine is the Archangel of Harmony through self-love and Raphael is the Archangel of healing. They’ve both been a tremendous help to me. And when I am surrounded by their energy? Oh yes, I do feel loved

The Daily Me (Journal) Missing – 12/17/16

Today’s prompt comes from 100 Inspirational Journal Prompts by Melissa Bolton @ The Mogul Mom

Something you have always felt was missing in your life.

That’s easy… Love. Not just receiving it, but also giving it. I don’t tell many people this because I am still not convinced it’s true, but it would explain some things about my life. I was diagnosed on the low scale of ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), what the doctor called a mild form of Asperger’s. The reasons I got this diagnosis are because I don’t always make eye contact with people, I tend to get uber-focused on one task at a time and I don’t always show my emotions. The reason I don’t believe it is accurate though is that my symptoms arise when I am extremely stressed, and when this doctor made that diagnosis, I was extremely stressed. However, it may also explain why people have accused me of being cold and unloving in the past.

It goes deeper than that. Love has always been a conditional thing in my life. My mother certainly put conditions on any love she showed me, which was rare. My friendships have been the same in the past. If you love me, you will… And even my sexual relationships have been filled with conditional love. It is almost as though any love that I am to receive, I have to work to get it. And so, I stopped giving out my own love openly. I am super cautious about who I let in and if I see any hints of conditioning, I cut ties with the person.

This is the point I was at when that doctor diagnosed me – marriage falling apart, mental breaks, stressed, and guarding my emotions. So is it really a mild form of Asperger’s or have I just been conditioned since childhood to be so jaded, guarded and indifferent? Not sure I have the answer.

The Daily Me (Journal) My Life – 12/16/16

Today’s prompt comes from 100 Inspirational Journal Prompts by Melissa Bolton @ The Mogul Mom

Three words to describe your life.

Chaotic, but not outwardly. This is an inner chaos that I deal with on a daily basis, minute by minute throughout my life. The result of decades dealing with mental illness. The chaos manifests as anxiety, OCD moments and the occasional bout of depression.

Uneventful. This is my outer life. Rarely does anything happen around me these days. I go through the same daily routines and only on rare occasions do I deviate from them. This deviation is usually one or two trips a month to the store, or an unplanned evening walk, or an early morning outing on the front porch.

Hopeful. Despite my sometimes negativity, I really do seek out positive reinforcements. I try to remain hopeful that my health will improve, that my writing will go well, and that I won’t have another major mental break.

 

The Daily Me (Journal) Safety – 12/15/2016

Today’s prompt comes from 100 Inspirational Journal Prompts by Melissa Bolton @ The Mogul Mom

Describe what feeling safe means to you.

For me, the best way to feel safe is to be alone. In my alone~ness, I am far away from those who seek to harm me. I don’t have to struggle from the grip of cruel jokes and unwanted advances. I don’t have to dodge bullets of foul criticism that pierce into my mind and heart. I don’t sink into holes drilled through my self-esteem and self-worth. And I don’t get caught in webs of deceit and lies.

I spent my youth seeking safety with others, thinking that someone else could protect me and keep me from harm, but most of the time, those I sought shelter with were the very ones who nearly destroyed me.

There was one I called my knight. I repeatedly sought him out whenever my life crashed around me. And yes, he would protect me for a while, once for a couple of years, but usually only for a few months at a time. In the end, he always discarded me. So why did I run to him so often when I should have been fleeing from him instead? I still have no answer for that.

After one harrowing relationship, I fell into the arms of another ‘savior’ who did save me for a short while, but she became critical of who I was as a being. She constantly tried to change me, but in the end, all she managed to do was strip me of self-confidence. When I finally got up the courage to leave her, I disappeared under a cloak of alone~ness for a short while and managed to rebuild my shattered confidence.

This was also around the time that mental illness manifested as a major component of my life. As I attempted to rebuild myself, depression overtook me. Again, I sought shelter with one I thought would protect me. I mistook his initial kindness and generosity for love, but in the end, he too was a wolf out to devour me. And he nearly did. He ate away at my esteem and worth, and nearly sucked the marrow from my bones. It took me 13 years to escape him.

Now I realize that the only person who can keep me safe is me. I have little trust in people, even family and friends. I’ve built up walls and moats around my heart, rarely lowering the draw bridge to let others in. I walk a thin line around people these days and I have a lot of safety nets surrounding me in case I lose my balance and fall. I no longer allow others to lift me up, but rely on myself to do so. I spend a lot of time dusting myself off, but I’d rather do it alone than to be reliant on others who may seek to harm me.

 

The Daily Me (Journal) Gratitude – 12/14/2016

Today’s prompt comes from 100 Inspirational Journal Prompts by Melissa Bolton @ The Mogul Mom

The three things you are most grateful for today.

Very early this morning, I wrapped myself up in a thick blanket and with a cup of coffee in hand, I went outside on the front porch. I sat down in the rocker and gazed out at the gorgeous morning mist settling on the mountain tops. It was a beautiful grey morning as the sun hadn’t yet broken through the clouds. In the distance, I heard the sound that I knew would bring gratitude and joy into my heart… ravens cawing. It is the best time of day to hear them and they always make me grateful to be alive.

After a while, I returned to my room. The heater was on and it too made me grateful. These days, I get cold far too easily. The past two winters, I only had electric heaters and couldn’t run them for long because they upped the electric bill, but now I have a lovely gas heater that I can run on a very low setting and my room warms up so fast. It’s a shame that gas is still cheaper than electric, but on a chilly morning like this one, I am grateful for the gas heat.

And now, I am sitting here eating a warm blueberry bagel with cream cheese and feeling grateful to have food to eat. As I swallow each bite, I am aware that somewhere out there, there is a child starving, a mother unable to feed her family, and that times are hard for everyone, including myself. I barely had money to finish out my month of groceries and had to concede to the estranged one for assistance. Even though he never complains, I don’t like accepting money from him to make it through the month, but on the other hand, I am grateful that he is there on months that I am barely scraping by.

 

The Daily Me (Journal) Fave Color – 12/13/2016

Today’s prompt comes from 100 Inspirational Journal Prompts by Melissa Bolton @ The Mogul Mom

What’s your favorite color and why?

This question is a toss-up for me. My initial response is always black. I love surrounding myself with this color. My bed sheets are all black, my curtains are black, and one of my comforters is black (as are all of my blankets). I have black candles all over my room. Most of my clothing is black. My favorite coat and boots are black. I still paint my nails black and most of my bracelets are black. I prefer the night, because yes, it is black. If I could still get away with it at my age, my hair would be black and I would still wear my black eyeshadow, eyeliner and lipstick. To me, black is not evil or satanic. It dispels evil. My own soul is black.

But the reason it is a toss-up is because I also love burgundy and crimson and surround myself with those colors too. My other comforter is burgundy. My carpet is crimson. My chair is burgundy. Some of my clothes are burgundy and crimson, especially my velvet tops and skirts. I have a crushed velvet, crimson jacket that I adore. Along with my black candles are also blackberry ones which are burgundy in color. If I do wear lipstick these days, it is always a deep burgundy or crimson, and for many years, I dyed my hair burgundy.

These are colors that I associate with my love of all things dark and macabre. They also reflect my love of night creatures, like bats and vampires. It’s probably why I am attracted to ravens, as well. In pop culture, I associate with Batman more so than any other superheroes – I understand his darkness. My preferred music groups are Linkin Park, Disturbed, H.I.M. and Apocalyptica (and far too many black and death heavy metal groups to list). They all embody that darkness that I love to surround myself with.

I’ve had therapists tell me that surrounding myself with black, and dark colors in general, increases my chances for depression. And maybe they are right (for some people), but I tried the bright colors and pastels before and well, they just aren’t me. They didn’t cheer me up or make me feel better. They actually depressed me. So maybe these therapists don’t understand me at all, nor what makes me happy.

The Daily Me (Journal) Perceptions – 12/12/2016

Today’s prompt comes from 100 Inspirational Journal Prompts by Melissa Bolton @ The Mogul Mom

How do you feel you are perceived by others?

Initially, not very well. I don’t usually make good first impressions. I am quiet and people usually take that as shyness. It isn’t. I am also observant, so I don’t generally make first contact. In a crowded room, I am the one sitting off to myself with a drink watching those around me and, if at someone’s house, playing with their cat or dog. For those who do take the time to make first contact with me, they will find a warm and caring person, but also a very quirky person. I don’t like small chat and I don’t care much for silliness or stupidity. I am far too serious a person for those things. That’s not to say I don’t have a sense of humor. I do. I just don’t do stupid. I also won’t be trying to chat up the popular people in the crowd because they are generally posers. I look for those like myself who are quiet and alone, but I still probably wouldn’t approach them first. I prefer the company of intellectuals because I love to hear how they perceive the world, but I often feel inadequate around them. I fear if they get to know me, they will think that I am an impostor since I am not well-versed in philosophy, psychology, technology and the like. I just enjoy hearing smart people talk about smart things. I am most comfortable around computer geeks, science fiction freaks and nerdy people, since I consider myself all of those things too.

There is also the dark side of me that makes it hard for people to get an accurate read on me. When people hear that I love horror and am a serial killer buff, that tends to make people weary. If they find out that I enjoy all things witchy and paranormal, love vampires and werewolves and generally prefer the night, then they really get concerned. I must be a total freak, right? Yep, indeed I am. If they’d met me in my 20s and early 30s during my goth years, they would have crossed the street rather than share the same walkway with me. And when they find out that at 50, my preferred music is still heavy metal, including death metal, they tend to really freak out.

I guess what I am trying to say here is that people generally perceive me as an odd duck. I don’t follow trends. I do my own thing, always. I am not superficial and I don’t like superficial people. I will try to get along with everyone around me, but if I find something offensive, I will call it out. If someone’s behavior becomes overbearing, I will leave and not care who’s feelings are hurt about it. You will not find me joining in on ‘the joke’ if it is at someone else’s expense, especially if it is cruel or rude. I am not a ‘go along to get along’ type of person.

Apparently my behaviors put me on the fringe of society. And you know what? I am okay with that. If it means less friends, then so be it. If it means less social interaction, so be it. Unlike a lot of people in the world, I am okay with my own company and all of my odd, quirky and strange behaviors.