A Melancholy Day

Today has been a melancholy day for me. I was reminded of so many things via reading Calen over at Impromptu Promptlings. She had two posts that sent me into a flood of memories. The first moment came via her post Bittersweet over my cat, Lynx. My gorgeous silvery-grey Birman with blue eyes.

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Lynx

I remember the day he followed Impy into the house when I lived in Roanoke Virginia. He just pranced in like he belonged there. I called him “hey cat” for a couple of days and realized that he was not going away. When Impy went out, he went out. When she came in, he came in. It was obvious that he would be sticking around. So sitting at my desk one afternoon, his name suddenly came to me. I called it out: “Lynx!” and he came running and jumped into my lap and snuggled up to me. It was as though he’d been waiting for someone, somewhere to finally know his name and say it aloud. This began a beautiful kinship with him. I dragged my four beautiful cats all the way from Virginia to Oklahoma in the spring of 2005 – Lynx, Impy, Mystra, and Bandit.

Lynx was my only male cat and when he came into my life, my large orange tabby named Spice disappeared. Prior to that when Spice arrived, I had a big grey cat named Mr. Grey. He disappeared when Spice arrived. Do you notice a pattern here? Apparently one male cat at a time for me. For three years, Lynx came and went at that place in Oklahoma without alarm. And then one cold late October evening, I arrived home from work and found a small black furry kitten outside my home. The kitten was so skinny under all of that fur and its meow was so alluring that I picked the little thing up and brought it into the house. I should have known better. I should have checked its sex before I even brought it in. I’d seen the pattern, I knew the pattern and I ultimately knew what would happen, though I disregarded it that night. The kitten, whom I named Miyu, was male and two weeks later, Lynx was gone. He simply vanished as had Spice and Mr. Grey before him. I was devastated. I am still devastated. No cat had ever responded to me the way Lynx did and none has since.

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Miyu

The next moment of melancholia that swept over me was when Calen had written about closing doors. At the beginning of January this year, I too closed a door on a long time friend.

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Jaime

We’d been separated since 2005 when I moved to Oklahoma, but had maintained some contact for a few years after that. Around 2010, the memories of our friendship flooded me over and over again. I needed her in my life and was desperate to get in touch with her again. All I knew was that she’d moved from Roanoke VA with her partner and was suppose to settle somewhere close to Maryland, perhaps still in Virginia, but I didn’t know where. She didn’t answer her phone. She ignored all of my emails. I was again devastated.

For 5 years, on her birthday in May and on Christmas, I would send her emails to all of the email addresses I had from her. I would give her my email address and my current phone number. Every once in a while I would get a small response from her, but just the one. Once, she found me on my WordPress blog, but when I responded back to her, she didn’t reply back. Finally, this year I’d had enough. Enough of the begging, enough of the heartache from the loss of friendship, enough of missing her. And, I closed that door. It hurts so deeply, like someone split open my heart with a long knife and let all of the love I had for her bleed out. A long, slow bleed. I still miss her, but I can no longer hold on to someone who wants to be set free. And I need to be free as well.

Calen probably has no idea the gift she gave to me today. Melancholy doesn’t always have to be depressing. In fact, it allowed me to take a trip through my photos to find the pictures I posted above. It also reminded me that my life is filled with happenstance.

A Reason to Laugh and Smile

I will admit it, my life has been hard. Maybe not as hard as some people’s lives, but hard nonetheless. I don’t laugh easily and I don’t smile much. But this quick email from a friend today, made me do both:

Hey.
When sleeping beauty
wakes up call snow white
and we’ll chat for awhile.

She knows I am on an odd sleep schedule… staying up all night and sleeping during the day. Hence the Sleeping Beauty reference. And since it is snowing outside, well that’s why the Snow White reference. It was clever and amusing. Probably why I love her so.

As 2015 comes to a close…

As my readers may remember, I did a similar post last year, focusing on what a year of Acceptance taught me. I also posted my chosen word for 2015: Gratitude. This post will be along those same themes.

What a year of Gratitude has taught me…

Wow! What an incredible year it has been! By showing gratitude, I have opened myself up to so many blessings this year: love, forgiveness, and spiritual ascension.

When January rolled around, I wasn’t sure what would happen by focusing on Gratitude for a whole year; however, I soon discovered that I was not the only one doing this. People all over Facebook were focusing on this wonderful concept. I will admit that I was a bit skeptical at first, not of the process, but of my willingness to accept (what I learned last year) whatever would come my way as a result.

For the first few months, I kept a daily record of all that I was grateful for. This allowed me to use Gratitude as a habit. After those first few months though, I only wrote down my gratitude list on rare occasions, but I would wake up each morning and verbally state what I was grateful for that day and end each night with what I’d been grateful for that day. This became the practice that I followed for the remainder of the year.

So here are some highlights of my accomplishments throughout 2015, which I believe are a direct result of simply being grateful for life, those around me, and for my own self.

  1. During the month of April, I completed my very first 46,000 word novella. I have mostly been a short fiction and poetry writer, so this was a huge accomplishment for me.
  2. As many of you know, I held a lot of animosity toward my husband and pretty much blamed him for well… everything: mostly our failed marriage and my mental state. Some time in September, I began researching a Hawaiian healing technique called Ho’oponopono. During this time, each night as I went to sleep, I would repeat these words: “I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.” As I repeated these words, I would get flashes of everything I’d ever done to others or others had done to me. I continued repeating these words, night after night (and still do!). Finally, I took 100% responsibility for my role in my marriage and mental state as well as 100% responsibility for my husband’s role. Forgiveness came easily after that and I am happy to report that he and I are now speaking once again and have moved to a great place in our relationship. We have come to the realization that we are in better places apart and able to help others as a result.
  3. Using this same healing technique, I was able to mend an issue with a friend who I had parted ways with back in June. We are now in a good place again as well.
  4. In late August, I took control of my health by beginning a new way of life and eating. My health has greatly improved as a result of this.
  5. I have been working with my Reiki Master and others with spiritual ascension. I felt the Shift strongly on 11.11.15. It was amazing!
  6. Overall, I have felt love so strongly this entire year. I have let go of negative influences and embraced light and love. Any time anything negative does creep into my life, I shower it with love.

For anyone interested in Ho’oponopono:

And if you would like to listen to Joe Vitale’s book ZeroLimits:

So there you have it… my incredible grateful year!

This has also been a year of research for me. Here are just a few topics that I have been exploring:

  • Low Carb/Healthy Fats lifestyle
  • The causes of Diabetes and how to reverse it
  • Anything WW2
  • general research on vitamins and minerals
  • topics related to The Secret
  • The Kennedys, with a special emphasis on Robert Kennedy
  • possible courses I want to take on Udemy
  • alternative health and healing techniques

And now, I give you my word to concentrate on for 2016: ABUNDANCE. And in order to activate this, any time the Universe/Cosmic Hoohah/Muses, etc. present an opportunity to me, instead of asking myself “how will I accomplish this?” I will just say “YES” and allow it to come to me through Inspiration and Abundance. My mantra for this year is: “I Am Abundance. Everything around me and within me is abundant.”

Thank you for spending time with me as I reviewed my grateful year.

Love and Blessings…

*Note* The idea for a Word for the Year actually came from Laurel Regan over at Alphabet Salad back in 2014. She has chosen her new word again this year and has called on others to join in. If you’d like to participate, just create your own blog post and click on the blue froggy below to add yours to the reading list.

 

The Harms of Negativity

Today, instead of celebrating my 15.5 lb weight loss, I am sitting here crying. I told my dad about it and his only comment was “where?” He did this to me previously when I told him I had lost my first 5 lbs after only being on a LCHF diet for 2 weeks. I sighed and just allowed it to slide. Later in the day, I told my brother about my weight loss and he just nodded, and again my dad said “where?” and I just exploded. This is why my mother always gave up on diets because instead of words of encouragement from my dad, he would always say things like “where?” or “turn around and you will find it.” I remember her being so discouraged that she would just give up trying.

Why is it so hard for people to just say kind, encouraging words? Why not tell someone who is trying to do something with all of their might “congratulations” or “I am proud of you”? What is it about us humans that we cannot find that loving kindness within us?

This is not the first time my dad has treated me this way. When I was in college, instead of saying he was proud of me, he would say “when are you going to get a real job instead of being a professional student?” When I took a job working for Alstate as a computer tech, instead of saying he was proud of me, he said “all that book learning and this is the best job you could get?”

But it isn’t just him… my mother never praised me for anything. My siblings have never praised me for anything. Strangers and acquaintances have encouraged me more than family and close friends. I’ve seen family on Facebook sharing all kinds of stuff from other family members and friends but not once has any of my family ever shared a poem I’ve written and posted on there. I wrote a 46,000 word novelette and posted the URL to it on Facebook… no one shared it and to date, only one of my family members has even read pieces of it. All of this is enough to make me want to quit my family… can you divorce a family? I so wish I could.

Somehow though, I’ve always managed to stand on my feet and keep moving forward. I refuse to give up on my weight loss. No amount of negativity is going to spoil this for me.

The takeaway from this – please, please, please… encourage your loved ones every day for even the smallest of accomplishments. Rally behind them on their goals. Show them loving kindness!

Namaste

Scared, but Hopeful

For all the crap I had to put up with on Paranormal Date, I did meet one incredible person there. His name is Brian and we’ve been emailing back and forth for nearly a month now. No long drawn out emails, except a few in the beginning. Most days, the emails are just support messages back and forth to one another. He lives near where I do, about a 2 hr drive away, but he works out of town a LOT. At the moment, he is in Ohio, but in a few days, he will be headed to Texas.

So far, I’ve not noticed any red flags with him. No signs of narcissism. He seems to be a down-to-earth country boy, very polite (he begins each email with “Miss Lori”), and seems to genuinely care about me. He even shows interest in the things that I enjoy. For example, he is not a Mets fan, but tonight he kept me company through the whole game by writing me adorably funny emails.

So why I am so scared? Well, there are a couple things about me that I haven’t shared with him yet. One is a vice, the other has to do with my appearance. I don’t know how to breach either subject with him yet, so I’ve said nothing so far. He is the first guy who has shown interest in me since I left that disaster of a marriage a year ago and I don’t want to break the magic just yet.The vice may not put him off because it was part of my profile on that dating site, but this appearance issue may be a deal-breaker. I sincerely hope not, but you never know what small thing may scare someone away.

I will remain hopeful though. We’ve finally gotten around to sending endearments back and forth in our emails and we finally exchanged phone numbers. Keeping my fingers crossed.

At 49, I almost gave up on the idea of having a happy life with someone else. Brian has given me that hope again. I think I could even fall in love with this guy. Pushing through the doubt and keeping my chin up.