Black Holes, Burdens and Lightworkers

I’ve been speaking with a lot of lightworkers, Reiki Masters, alternative healing gurus, etc of late. Most of us agree, a dark black hole has been swallowing us up, or so it feels. It’s as if the more work we do to heal ourselves and the planet, the harder it becomes to get our work done. It’s as if we’ve taken the burden of the entire world on our backs and are dredging through thick muck.

Enough of the analogies, but one thing is certain, some THING is working mighty hard to defeat our work. A few lightworker friends of mine on Youtube are signaling a defeatist attitude. They don’t even know if the work they are doing is getting through and are close to quitting.

I am not sure when some lightworkers began to feel whatever this THING is, but I noticed it immediately after the 2016 election. Sure, I’ve known opposition most of my life and it has been bad in years past. That happens when you are a Violet Flame, Walk-In, and lightworker. You just expected it and have dealt with it the best you can. But this… whatever the hell THIS is, is menacing beyond words. I go through my routine of daily channeling good energy to the Earth, Reiking those who need it and have asked for it, doing the ho’oponopono meditation I do before I sleep, and communing with my spirit guides. And I have felt this enormous weight on my back, like I am trying to hold up the entire world – I now know how Atlas must have felt! It has manifested into physical pain in my body, all down my left side from lower back to hip to side of the leg to knee down calf to foot. I know it has to do with whatever this clearing, cleansing, cleaning thing I am trying to do because it isn’t constant or consistent. It only aches painfully when I am doing my work. Normally, doing my work rejuvenates me, but not since Nov 2016.

So I had a long conversation tonight with my Reiki Master about this. She has assured me that the work is getting done and that this black hole or dark muck is but an illusion being thrown out there at us to get us to stop being the resistance to whatever this THING is. As she explained it all to me, the pain on my left side began to ease. So is it too just an illusion to put me into so much pain that I will give up my work? I hope not, but if it is, I will just keep plowing through it. The work is too important.

Batting 100 – R.I.P


It was bad enough that the friend I’d just reconciled with dropped me like I never existed, but now my girlfriend has cheated on me. She knew how devastated I was about the broken friendship and we’d just spent four days together. We also talked every day on the phone, online and via emails together. It wasn’t as if I’d been ignoring her. We were so new, so fresh, just a little over a month as lovers. And she cheated. With a man. Oh but it meant nothing –  her words. She still loves me, wants me, needs me. So why the cheating? And I am supposed to forgive and forget.

Well, I cannot. This was a last chance at love for me. It took a lot out of me to give away my heart one more time. And of all the people in the world, she was the last person I ever thought would hurt me. A life-long friend who’d always cared, or so I thought. Someone I swore I’d never go there with for fear of ruining a friendship, but she convinced me that she wouldn’t hurt me. Promised me that she wouldn’t hurt me and in less than 45 days, she did just that.

I am more than done. I see a dark, lonely cave in my future and I couldn’t be more glad.


“Friends” – What Are They Good For?


In recent months, I have reconnected with an old high school friend. After a bit of a tiff years ago, we hadn’t spoken since the late 1990s, but seemed to fall right back into our friendship as though it had never ended. She’d been going through some rough patches in her love life and recently had a run-in with the law, resulting in an upcoming court date. I’ve been there for her through all her recent woes, tried to be understanding, give advice when asked, offer solutions, guidance, or just a shoulder to cry/lean on.

Lately, she has been distant. I know she is worried about her upcoming court date, so I’ve tried to give her as much space as possible, just leaving her encouraging messages once or twice a week on Facebook, to let her know I am thinking about her and if she needs me, to call. I did my first of the week message posts today, but got an unusual response – “Please stop.”

I was dumbstruck. Still dumbstruck. I haven’t a clue what I’ve done wrong. All I have heard from her is that no one has been there for her or really cared and when I’ve tried, this is the response I get? It feels like someone sucker punched me in the stomach. I’ve listened to her cry over a lost love at all hours of the day and night. Listened to her complain about the relationship she is in now. Worried with her over her upcoming court date. Never once I have I told her to shut up and let it go, or not been there to listen. And now, I feel like I’ve wasted my time. I don’t want to feel that way, but I do. And I don’t even know what I’ve done wrong.

Should I just cut her off completely? Not answer if she calls? Just let her go, again? I am so confused, so hurt, so… *sighs*

I swore I’d never let another person hurt me this badly again. Swore I wouldn’t get attached to anyone enough to let them rip out my heart. And yet, I’ve done it again. Time to just go crawl into a hole and ignore the world again.

#MarchForOurLives Mass Event

Yesterday, I participated with hundreds of students, teachers, parents, and other activists locally in the #MarchForOurLives event. It was exhausting and painful for me due to the neuropathy in my feet, but gracious young students kept walking with me, encouraging me and even lending me a hand the few times when I stumbled. Their enthusiasm for this cause exhilarated me!

We shared stories about school life, mine during the 70s and early 80s and theirs today. How different our worlds are. My biggest fear in school was getting knocked down in the hall by a bully, or teased in the girls locker room. They do drills to keep them safe from gunshots.

By all statistics, I would have been one of those with a gun had I been in today’s schools. I was a loner in school. Horribly bullied. Now suffering from multiple mental illnesses (probably had them back then too). There were many like me in school. So why didn’t we turn to gun violence? That is a question which has no answer for me. It never even crossed my mind. I hated the bullies in HS. Despised them with every fiber of my being, but I never wished them death. I just wanted to get through HS and go on with my life. It could have been easy for me. My father owns shotguns. Nothing like what kids can get their hands on today, but I was raised around guns. Still, I couldn’t kill. Not even a housefly.

It can’t all be the bullying. It can’t all be mental illness. It can’t all be the violent video games or movies. There are a million excuses thrown out there as to why some kids decide to take guns and shoot up their schools. I don’t know the answer. I do know that making AR-15s available to kids gives them an easy out. Something that powerful should never be in the hands of a civilian, or in the hands of a child. It is a weapon of war.

We have to do something about gun violence, period, in this country. I don’t want to take away anyone’s 2nd Amendment rights, but we regulate other privileges and rights in this country – driving automobiles, voting, hunting, fishing, usage of parks, etc. And yet we allow the most laxed laws for gun ownership. We need universal background checks. Strict ones. No felons, sexual/domestic abusers, or mentally ill persons should have access to guns. There should be mandatory training for usage and storage of guns. There should be a license to own and carry a gun. No license, you go to jail for a long time. There should be a buy-back policy for anyone who owns AR-15s and the like and then those guns should be publicly destroyed. If a person really wants to use a weapon of war, then let them join the military where they can use one. But for the love of our children and future children, we need to keep them off the streets and out of the hands of civilians.

Yesterday was a huge eye-opener for me. I watched future leaders leading. I saw so many young people fired up and encouraged about their futures. If we adults do not pave the way to keep them safe, they will. And I support all of them. From the Emmas and Davids to all kids everywhere who just want to be safe in school. This also means an end to bullying and making kids feel like “others”. Everyone deserves to fit in. We need to do more to encourage kids to accept others for who they are and not who we wish them to be. I pray this movement grows and we finally get some sensible gun laws in this country. I encourage all young people to get active and become our future leaders. To run for offices from local to national. They will get my votes and my encouragement.

If any of my readers participated yesterday, I would love to hear your stories. Or just your thoughts on gun control. All views are accepted, but please be polite. 

ME Moments & Other Oddities

Some days I feel like I am going out of my mind. No, maybe not quite that far. Perhaps the best way to describe it is that I feel like I’ve stepped into another reality or universe. I don’t even know when it began as I’ve felt odd since around 2012, but I remember the day it finally occurred to me – it was early December of last year (2017). I’d been watching random stuff on Youtube and I came across a video talking about the Mandela Effect or ME.

What is the Mandela Effect?

The Mandela Effect is a phenomenon in which a large group of people remember things differently than how they appear now. The term was coined after Nelson Mandela because a large group of people remember him dying while he was in prison in the 80s or 90s, even though he died in 2013. This group of people have vivid memories of his funeral and people mourning him. Some say late 80s and others say early 90s. This is not the only ME though. In fact, there are so many MEs now that the ME community has become divided between those who are strict ME-ers and those who see MEs in every little thing. The biggest division seems to be with word spellings and corporation logos. I’ll admit, I have many ME moments, but do not agree with every ME I come across.

Here are a few of my eye-opening MEs:

  1. Isaiah 11:6 – I will admit that I am not a Christian and have not read the Bible in many decades; however, I was a Christian as a child/teenager and I had a picture of the lion lying in a field with a lamb and remember this passage captioned under it – “And the lion shall lie down with the lamb…”. I also remember it being listed as “The lion shall dwell with the lamb…” Neither exist any longer. In no versions of the Bible. It now reads – “The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, and the leopard shall lie down with the kid; and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little child shall lead them.” WOLF? I honestly do not remember wolf. This freaked me out so badly that I went around asking as many Christians as I could if they remembered the lion and lamb verse and many were also startled to realise that it now says wolf.
  2. Berenstein Bears – I was an avid reader of these books as a child and remember vividly the name of the bears being BerenstEIn. Nope, now it is BerenstAIn Bears and apparently always has been.
  3. “Luke, I am your father.” – Now I will admit that I am not an overly fanatic Star Wars fan; however, I have seen every movie at least 2-3 times. I remember that line so well. Apparently though, it has always been “No (or Know), I am your father.”
  4. “ET phone home.” – When this movie first came out, I watched it three times in the theater and then bought the VHS of it. I’ve seen it at least 50 times in the years since. Well, now it says “ET home phone.”
  5. “Life is like a box of chocolates.” – I’ve seen Forest Gump a dozen or more times and I remember that line. Now it says, “Life WAS like a box of chocolates.”
  6. “You can dance if you want to…” – When Men Without Hats first came out with this song, I fell madly in love with it and would sing it constantly. I know it began with YOU, but apparently now it is “We can dance if we want to…” at the beginning and always has. Granted, I do remember the song changing to WE after that first line, but YOU was there!
  7. We Are the Champions – I loved Queen. Hell, I still love Queen. I sang this song all the time. I remember it ending…. “We are the champions…. of the world!” Well, now it just ends with “We are the champions.” You can still find live versions of Queen singing the song and ending it with “of the world,” but the album version no longer has it.

There are tonnes more of these MEs, like name changes – Lynda Carter instead of Linda Carter, Sally Field instead of Sally Fields, Julia Child instead of Julia Childs and on and on. Even movie and tv show changes like Sex and the City instead of Sex IN the City and Interview with the Vampire instead of Interview with A Vampire.

So what do people say about those of us who see these MEs when they do not? That we are just misremembering. I will admit that it is mostly older people, those of us born in the 50s, 60s and 70s who remember things differently, who are seeing these MEs and freaking out, but there are some younger people seeing and remembering things differently too.

What’s Causing MEs?

There are many theories for what may be causing these MEs. Some blame them on CERN or Quantum Computers. Others say that those of us who are seeing MEs have “awakened” and “ascended” to 5D. While others are seeing something malicious in these changes due to time travel and deliberate changes to corrupt history. Some Christians have really freaked out because they are discovering a lot of changes to the Bible and believe that it is Satan’s work to fool Christians and this means that the end of the world is nigh. CERN is a big part of that too because they (those Christians) believe that wormholes have been opened and have allowed demons to come through or those who’ve created these Quantum Computers have been pulling things in from other realities/dimensions.

As for me? I have no idea what is going on. I am freaked out, but it isn’t just because of MEs. I’ve been having other issues too. The biggest for me is that sometimes when I am listening to the tv or something on my computer, I cannot understand what people are saying. It’s as though they are speaking a foreign language that I have never heard and cannot understand. I also hear a lot of frequency changes in my head/ears. If you’ve ever taken a hearing test, then you remember those sounds played to test your range of hearing. That’s what I hear often. Either an increase in frequency or a decrease. And once I heard a gong sound that reverberated in my ears for over a minute.

So those are some of my ME moments and other oddities. If you are interested in MEs, do a Youtube search for Mandela Effect and you will find tonnes of videos on the subject. Not all are true MEs, but who knows, you may find yourself agreeing with some of them.

I would be interested to know if any of my readers remember those above things as I do, or if you remember them as they are now. Leave me a comment and let me know!


Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

No, I haven’t changed my name to Carmen Sandiego, but I have been MIA for over a year now. I doubt anyone cares, which is why I haven’t updated this blog for so long. Not even sure why I am doing it now.

So where have I been? No where. Still living with my dad. Still separated from my spouse. And still struggling with all the same ole BS that I’ve always been struggling with. I spend most of my time playing Runescape because I have no life. My muses no longer speak to me, so I don’t write. I don’t even have a desire to write. Really, I have little to say and keep to myself most of the time.

I’ve been dealing with depression on and off. Finally got medicated again. It’s helped some. I may begin updating this blog from time to time, but I doubt I will either of my writing blogs. Maybe I won’t even update this one. I just don’t know. I live in a blah existence.

Health Update – Flu Edition #3

Reblogging this here since not all of my readers follow my A Whispered Wind blog. I am sure you’ve wondered by now what’s happened to me.

A Whispered Wind

Hello dear friends and readers. Just an update on my health. It has now been over two weeks since I caught that nasty flu bug. I am mostly better, but still not 100%. The cough has lingered and so has the fatigue. As some of you know, I have a suppressed immune system from taking chemo several years back, so any time I get sick, it takes me far longer than normal to get well again. But, not only have I been trying to take care of me, I have also been taking care of my dad. We are both on the road to recovery.

Some things I have been doing to help take care of myself:

  • lots of rest
  • using cayenne pepper and garlic in all of my soups and broths (still the only things I’ve been able to keep down)
  • taking high dosages of Vitamin C (2000 mgs…

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10 Daily Currents – 01.04.17

It is Wednesday at 6:09 pm and I am currently…

1. listening: the weather report on tv

2. eating: butternut squash soup

3. drinking: ice water

4. wearing: long black lounger and black socks

5. feeling: like hell… the crud finally caught up with me

6. weather: cold, windy and expecting snow soon

7. wanting: to curl back up in my bed and go to sleep

8. needing: to work on my story, Andromeda Dreaming

9. thinking: all creative projects need to be put on hold until I am over this crud. That means flash fiction stories, poetry, Zanzibar and Andromeda Dreaming. I just cannot concentrate right now.

10. enjoying: nothing. I feel miserable

Dear readers, if you’d like to join me with these 10 Dailies, snag them and link back to my blog so I can read your dailies.

The Sandbox Writing Challenge #71 — Unfinished


When you remember your unfinished tasks,
both great and small,
what feelings arise in you?

I hate unfinished tasks. It makes me feel like a failure. I will berate myself with words like, “You mean you couldn’t even get that small thing done?” or “Why’d you set so many tasks when you know you usually don’t finish them all.” But do I ever say anything nice to myself when I’ve finished a task? Well, not until January 1st of this year. Before, I would just ignore any of my successes, or not put too much emphasis on them. No pats on the back. No rewards. Now for every task I complete, no matter how great or small, I reward myself with something – a tv show or movie to watch, some pampering ‘me’ time, or even a nap. If a task doesn’t get completed, I simply leave it for the next day. If I can’t get it accomplished in a week, it must not have been that important anyway. I am tired of spending my life regretting things and feeling like a failure. It is simply unproductive.

The Daily Me (Journal) Memories 2 – 01/04/17

Today’s prompt comes from Journaling Your Way Home via Writing Our Way Home, in which Kaspa has asked us to write a memory from the timeline of our life that we wrote Sunday. (Note: this is taken from an e-book which I purchased as part of this e-course. If you’d like to join in, you can purchase the course at the Journaling Your Way Home address above)

No Happy Ever Afters For Me

Shortly after my sister kicked me out of her place in Greensboro, NC in the late Summer of 1985, I returned to Virginia, stayed with my Aunt for a while and got a job at the ice cream store she worked in. There, I met two female missionaries from the Mormon Church. Before long, I started attending, had moved into my own apartment and was doing pretty well for myself. Suddenly, for no reason that I was told, the female missionaries were recalled and two male missionaries showed up. One of them was this tall, linebacker of a guy with dark-hair and sapphire blue eyes. He was very charismatic and I fell head-over-hills for him. His name was David from Modesto CA and like me, he was a convert to the Church. Over the course of six months, we got to know one another well. I even cooked dinner for him and his companion a few times. Sometimes, they would stop by the ice cream store, get my keys and hang out at my apartment while I worked (I know they were watching tv, which was against the rules).

David liked to play practical jokes on people and he played quite a few on me. One night, I came home from work to find sticky notes all over my walls and the inserts from magazines tossed haphazardly around the room (that was his companion’s thing). Another night, I came home and it looked like I had been robbed. Every piece of furniture was gone, except that it wasn’t. I had a very tiny room that I used as my bedroom and they had stuffed every stick of furniture, books, dishes, etc. into that little room. They couldn’t fit the sofa in there so they just propped it up at the door. Another night, I came home to find the inside of my house, down the staircase and the tree outside my apartment building toilet-papered. Sometimes he would call me late at night, just to tell me ‘sorry, wrong number’ repeatedly. I knew it was him. I would recognize his voice anywhere.

But the worst joke he pulled on me was at dinner one night. I had cooked him and his companion a three course meal. Salad; pot roast with potatoes, carrots and peas; and a homemade banana cream pie for desert. I had slaved over all of it all day, especially the pie – supposedly David’s favorite. It was my first time making pie crust and meringue and it had come out perfectly. We’d eaten the meal and I’d put the pie in the fridge and gone to the bathroom. When I came out, BAM! Banana cream pie in the face, followed by laughter, and David and his companion running away. You’d think that I would have hated David, but I didn’t. I only loved him more.

After about six months, word began to spread about David and his companion spending too much time at one woman’s apartment. No, it wasn’t mine. It was a mutual friend of ours. She ran interference for he and I, allowing him to call me on the phone at night and opening her apartment up for us to hang out, supervised. She had no idea he was spending so much time at my apartment and neither of us told her, nor did the companion. Anyway, the Church elders decided to split the two missionaries up and send them to other locations. An elderly couple took their place.

On the night David left, he called me and asked me to marry him. Of course, I said yes. He still had a year to serve as a missionary, but he said he would call his sister back in CA and make arrangements for me to go live with her until his service was up. I told our mutual friend, but she wouldn’t believe me. Then I received a letter from him a week later, expressing the same thing. She finally believed me. The sister thing fell through, but he told me to start making preparations to have a Temple wedding. That meant I had to get baptized in the Church, take the required classes and get a Temple recommendation. I did all of those things for him. Our mutual friend and her two sisters even went with me to the Temple. It was all happening so fast. I’d gotten the Temple recommendation on my first try, went through the Temple and was all set to marry that handsome, charismatic man from California. We talked three times a week by phone and wrote letters nearly every day. I knew he was the one.

David still had five months left of his mission, but he was no longer enjoying it. He stole the mission car, drove all the way to Covington VA from Richmond VA and held up at our mutual friend’s apartment. He called me from there, said he was leaving his mission and going back home. I asked about the wedding and he said we’d have to plan it by phone. I didn’t even get to see him before they sent him back to CA. When he arrived back in CA, he still called me frequently for the first couple of weeks. Then silence. He didn’t call and didn’t return mine. He eventually told our mutual friend that he had left the Church and no longer wanted to marry me. I got the news from her, not him. I was never given any further explanation and never heard from him again.

This was supposed to be my fairy tale wedding, my happy ever after. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want me. What had I done? I was heart broken and fell into the only comforting arms around – Andy’s. The guy I had dated while living with my sister. Four months later, I was pregnant, married to him and living in Burlington NC. Completely unhappy and definitely no fairy tale. A dark tale, perhaps. But that’s for another memory.