01.02.17 – End of Day Notes

What I did today:  Today was a worrisome day. My dad isn’t feeling well. He has a bad cough and a bit of a cold. Last night, he took two different cold medicines and went to bed. They had a negative effect on him, left him weak and dizzy. He fell in the bathroom and it scared the hell out of me. My brother helped him downstairs and I’ve been sitting vigil most of the day, keeping an eye on him. He’s finally able to walk on his own without falling. 

What I learned today:  This fasting thing is always so hard during the first few days. I’ve been using the rubber band method to keep me from wanting food. Day 2 is almost over and I know tomorrow will be another difficult day. After that? Smooth sailing. 

What I am most proud of today? I’ve allowed myself to sleep off and on, in between watching over my dad. Normally, I would have forced myself to stay awake with something this important and end up sick from it myself.. Sleep when he sleeps, awake when he awakens. It’s worked out well today.

What did you do today, dear readers? Learn any lessons? Have a reason to be proud? Share your thoughts with me in the comments!

10 Daily Currents – 01.02.17

It is Monday at 4:03 pm and I am currently…

1. listening: dad’s tv from the kitchen (football game), the hum of my white noise machine, Catharine’s whispers

2. eating: nothing solid. Doing a cleansing fast

3. drinking: currently, ice water. Just finished a cup of chicken broth

4. wearing: purple PJs

5. feeling: awake, alert

6. weather: chilly, grey skies

7. wanting: to make it through day 2 without snapping the rubberband again

8. needing: a little ‘me’ pampering time

9. thinking: one more writing bit for the day, then I can go sit in the recliner and finish Splinterlands.

10. enjoying: I just finished reading some amazing flash fiction. There are some awesome writers here on WordPress.

Dear readers, if you’d like to join me with these 10 Dailies, snag them and link back to my blog so I can read your dailies.

Share Your World – January 2, 2017


For Cee’s Share Your World

Would you prefer to receive a unicycle, bicycle, tricycle or motorcycle? Since I have no balance, I guess I will settle for the tricycle, but I’d really like a motorcycle. Maybe I could get one of those cool Trike motorcycles. 


What is one thing you’d like to accomplish this year? To get through the year without another mental break. That would go a long way for me to accomplish my other goals.

What was one of the highlights of 2016 for you? Being a Bernie Sanders supporter. For an Independent, socialist leaning progressive, he was a breath of fresh air. 

Would you prefer to fly a kite or fly in a hot air balloon? Since I am scared of heights, I would have to fly a kite, but oh how I wish I could go up in a hot air balloon.

Optional Bonus question:  What are you grateful for from last week? My sister showed up days after Christmas and brought a nasty bug into the house. For once, I didn’t get sick. Unfortunately, my dad and brother did. 

and what are you looking forward to in the week coming up?  Settling into my new routines, working on my cleansing fast, and engaging with others.

The Sandbox Writing Challenge #13 — How does this relate to your life?

How does this relate to your life?

sand circle 2Imagine finding this figure drawn in the sand.

Is it a circle?

A zero?

The letter “O”?

Relate this figure to your life.

What does it me to you?

It would definitely be a sign from the Universe that my life has come full circle. I’ve spent the majority of my life searching for meaning, love, acceptance, and my own self-esteem, and at 50, I think I’ve finally found most of those things. I left home at 17 thinking that I just wanted to get out there in the world and discover everything. At 48, I ran back home because everything I’d discovered had left me exhausted and broken. Two years on, I feel like I’ve made a decent recovery. I will always be searching for something, but I no longer feel like I am running away from things in my life. I’ve made peace with myself for the first time ever. I feel more whole and complete, another way to view the image above. I’ve discovered so much about myself over these past couple of years and I know I still have a long way to go to fully understand everything, but I am okay with that. In these waning years, all I have now is time and with such an inquisitive mind, I am enjoying this exploration period of my life.

The Daily Me (Journal) Memories 1 – 01/02/17

Today’s prompt comes from Journaling Your Way Home via Writing Our Way Home, in which Kaspa has asked us to write a memory from the timeline of our life that we wrote yesterday. (Note: this is taken from an e-book which I purchased as part of this e-course. If you’d like to join in, you can purchase the course at the Journaling Your Way Home address above)

Why’d They Choose Me?

Looking back on my childhood, I’ve often wondered why those three boys back in grade school chose me to sexually harass. What was it about me that made them feel it was okay to do that to me? Did they notice something about me that made me easily accessible to their perversions? Was it even about me? Or were they just seeing what all they could get away with? Twelve-year-olds. I still can’t wrap my head around it.

I do know it made me feel dirty, cheap and insignificant. I also felt like I deserved it. I never reported it at school and I never told my parents. Truthfully, I didn’t want anyone to know. It became my own shameful secret, but it wasn’t just mine. Those three boys told plenty of other students and my three best friends knew because they were there when it began. I was only eleven, nearly twelve. They stole my innocence and childhood from me. No child that young should have to know the disgusting, sexual things I knew. I still don’t even know how those boys knew those things. Probably from porn magazines and/or movies.

It didn’t even stop after grade school. Those three boys harassed me all through high school too. I wanted so desperately to tell my 9th grade English teacher what a nasty son she had, but I never did. Who would have believed me over a school teacher’s son? Years on, the other two became local cops. Can you imagine any young woman feeling safe if they’d know the way those two carried on as teenagers? The school teacher’s son was one of the local potheads, not sure where he ended up after high school. I do know that when one of the other two who’d become cops died last year, he was given a hero’s funeral and people all over the area came to praise him. If they’d only known what I knew.

I know that’s when my psychological problems began. I became a bulimic because I wanted to be thin like all the ‘good’ girls in school, the ones who were fawned over but not sexually harassed. I was no longer the happy-go-lucky kid. I became withdrawn, dark, and couldn’t stand to be around people. I wasn’t suicidal, but I did cut myself often to get rid of the pain I felt inside. I still have scars on my thighs. I didn’t want anyone to see what I’d done, so I hid it away. I hid a lot of things in those years.

That Summer of ’79 only confirmed my suspicions that it must have been something about me. That was the summer that my sister’s then-boyfriend backed me into the alcove behind the staircase at home and molested me. It was 4th of July and it was supposed to have been a fun time with family and friends.

Dad was barbecuing in the backyard, mom was making salads in the kitchen, my sister was outside with family and my brother was upstairs. I remember mom had put on some Elvis music. I went through the hallway from the living room headed toward the kitchen. I got to the doorway of the dining room and got pulled into that alcove. I remember Little Sister was playing and J whispered into my ear, “Big sister does. Does little sister?” I can’t even listen to that song anymore without remembering his hands all over me and his tongue down my throat. I hate to think what might have happened if my brother hadn’t come down the stairs. He let me loose and I fled to the backyard. I never told a soul what he did and he acted like nothing had happened when he joined my sister a few minutes later.

I think the shame I felt in those days led me to be promiscuous later on in my life. I was looking for love and acceptance, and I didn’t care what sleazy guy I ended up with to get them. Of course, I never found either and I only hate myself more because of it. I learned self-loathing at the tender age of twelve and it persisted until about three years ago when I decided to be celibate and start loving myself.


My Daily Tarot – Queen of Swords


01/02/17 –  Queen of Swords

You have used your mind, truth and logical thinking to create order in your world. You’ve taken your suffering and joys and marred them to a useful philosophy so that you are at ease in the world. You are a good and helpful friend, although some may say you lack emotion.

Be aware of depending too much on order. Remember to be flexible when things don’t go your way. Allow others to behave as they believe right. Your ways are not everyone’s ways. Do not divorce yourself from your emotions in an effort to protect yourself.

This was a qualifying card before when I drew it, but I think it has more significance now, eh Tarot? Yes, I have put my world in order again and yes, I know how badly that turned out last year. But I swear, Tarot, I have given myself some flexibility this time. I won’t be doing (or attempting to do) major writing projects every month this year. I’ve given myself some months off. I do need structure and routines though or I will spend all of my time watching Netflix, Hulu and Youtube and get absolutely nothing else accomplished. My goals are not as high this year and all of the side writing projects do not have to be done. If I don’t feel like writing drabbles, poetry or flash fiction one day, I simply won’t do it. I have a feeling that this card will continue to crop up though. I know you will be keeping an eye on me, dear Tarot.