Something you have always felt was missing in your life.
That’s easy… Love. Not just receiving it, but also giving it. I don’t tell many people this because I am still not convinced it’s true, but it would explain some things about my life. I was diagnosed on the low scale of ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder), what the doctor called a mild form of Asperger’s. The reasons I got this diagnosis are because I don’t always make eye contact with people, I tend to get uber-focused on one task at a time and I don’t always show my emotions. The reason I don’t believe it is accurate though is that my symptoms arise when I am extremely stressed, and when this doctor made that diagnosis, I was extremely stressed. However, it may also explain why people have accused me of being cold and unloving in the past.
It goes deeper than that. Love has always been a conditional thing in my life. My mother certainly put conditions on any love she showed me, which was rare. My friendships have been the same in the past. If you love me, you will… And even my sexual relationships have been filled with conditional love. It is almost as though any love that I am to receive, I have to work to get it. And so, I stopped giving out my own love openly. I am super cautious about who I let in and if I see any hints of conditioning, I cut ties with the person.
This is the point I was at when that doctor diagnosed me – marriage falling apart, mental breaks, stressed, and guarding my emotions. So is it really a mild form of Asperger’s or have I just been conditioned since childhood to be so jaded, guarded and indifferent? Not sure I have the answer.