The Sandbox Writing Challenge #3 — Stillness

Time for an intriguing question from Calen’s challenge based on Roberta Allen’s The Playful Way to Knowing Yourself:

What is it that keeps you from being still?

This is something I have struggled with for decades – stillness. The inability to still my mind has plagued my meditation sessions, as well as my attempt to be mindful. My biggest obstacle is an over-active imagination. It goes full-force all day and even while I sleep. I also have two randy muses who won’t shut up and an animus who constantly thinks he knows what’s best for me. Now this is not to say that I’ve never experienced stillness because I have. Short, random bursts. If I concentrate on one small thing, I can hold a few moments of stillness. If I hear something beautiful (a gap moment), I can be still for a bit. I can even go blank sometimes if I am daydreaming. They are rare moments, but deeply cherished ones.

 

The Daily Me (Journal) Safety – 12/15/2016

Today’s prompt comes from 100 Inspirational Journal Prompts by Melissa Bolton @ The Mogul Mom

Describe what feeling safe means to you.

For me, the best way to feel safe is to be alone. In my alone~ness, I am far away from those who seek to harm me. I don’t have to struggle from the grip of cruel jokes and unwanted advances. I don’t have to dodge bullets of foul criticism that pierce into my mind and heart. I don’t sink into holes drilled through my self-esteem and self-worth. And I don’t get caught in webs of deceit and lies.

I spent my youth seeking safety with others, thinking that someone else could protect me and keep me from harm, but most of the time, those I sought shelter with were the very ones who nearly destroyed me.

There was one I called my knight. I repeatedly sought him out whenever my life crashed around me. And yes, he would protect me for a while, once for a couple of years, but usually only for a few months at a time. In the end, he always discarded me. So why did I run to him so often when I should have been fleeing from him instead? I still have no answer for that.

After one harrowing relationship, I fell into the arms of another ‘savior’ who did save me for a short while, but she became critical of who I was as a being. She constantly tried to change me, but in the end, all she managed to do was strip me of self-confidence. When I finally got up the courage to leave her, I disappeared under a cloak of alone~ness for a short while and managed to rebuild my shattered confidence.

This was also around the time that mental illness manifested as a major component of my life. As I attempted to rebuild myself, depression overtook me. Again, I sought shelter with one I thought would protect me. I mistook his initial kindness and generosity for love, but in the end, he too was a wolf out to devour me. And he nearly did. He ate away at my esteem and worth, and nearly sucked the marrow from my bones. It took me 13 years to escape him.

Now I realize that the only person who can keep me safe is me. I have little trust in people, even family and friends. I’ve built up walls and moats around my heart, rarely lowering the draw bridge to let others in. I walk a thin line around people these days and I have a lot of safety nets surrounding me in case I lose my balance and fall. I no longer allow others to lift me up, but rely on myself to do so. I spend a lot of time dusting myself off, but I’d rather do it alone than to be reliant on others who may seek to harm me.

 

My Daily Tarot – Eight of Cups

12/15/16 – Eight of Cups

You have dallied with desires and fancies that kept you distracted from your path, from doing what you know you must. It is time to turn away from this shallow comfort and forge ahead.

Be aware of being misled by the moon. Do not mistake a desire to run from mistakes for a call from your soul. If the cups here represent a mess in your life, maybe you are meant to stay and clean it up.

I am beginning to notice a pattern here with my readings. They all seem to be centered around a path I must travel or decisions I need to make. My only path, or passion, has been writing. It is the only thing I’ve ever seriously wanted to do with my life. There is also my love of reading and researching. I am just naturally curious.

I am wondering though if I have been putting off taking that next step – publishing my work. And if this is why I am getting these types of cards. I have two issues with publishing. One, it is difficult to get a major book deal. The chances are so slim and I do not feel that I am a seasoned enough writer to even attempt it. And two, if I were to self-publish, I wouldn’t make nearly enough to sustain my life and it could cause me to lose my disability which does sustain my life.

I don’t think I am allowing desires and fancies to deter me though. I guess I need to mull this one over more in my head.