12/13/16 – Two of Swords
You are faced with a decision and you aren’t sure what to do. You have to decide. Remove your blindfold and look squarely at the situation. Most likely you know what to do but are afraid.
Be aware of ignoring the situation for too long. Pretending it isn’t there won’t make it go away.
Ah, now this is most likely about the moving situation I spoke about yesterday. I am still grappling with it and I do think that by avoiding it, I secretly hope my friend will find another roommate while I continue to ‘consider’ it. So if I secretly hope she will find someone else, why don’t I just tell her I am no longer considering it as an option? Good question. I think it is because I do want to move. I am just afraid that I won’t be able to afford it and months later, I will just have to move back in with my dad. I also don’t want to alienate one of the last of the two friends I do have.
I detest moving. I would rather do almost anything else than to pack up and make a major move. From the time I left home in 1983 until 1993, I moved on average every 6 months to a year. I cannot even remember how many different apartments and houses I lived in, not to mention some of the bad roommates I had. From 1993-1998, I remained in one location with my then-partner, JK. Then I moved to Roanoke VA and remained in that location from 1998-2005. I thought at the time I was pretty settled. Seven years in one location was like an eternity for me. But plans changed and I moved again from 2005-2014 to Oklahoma with the estranged one. Now I’ve been home since 2014 and I am just not sure I am ready to move yet again, especially if it won’t be a permanent residence.
So yes, there is real fear here and a lot of uncertainty. What if I do move in with my friend and it ruins our friendship? What if I cannot afford it and have to once again move? I also know I am putting off the inevitable because when dad dies (he’s currently 73 and in fairly good health for now), the house I now call home will be sold. I would have to find another place to live anyway. There is housing here for the disabled and elderly. I could always find an apartment there. But for now, I think I just want to be settled somewhere familiar and safe. Some place I know I can afford. I guess I need to make that phone call to my friend.