How do you feel you are perceived by others?
Initially, not very well. I don’t usually make good first impressions. I am quiet and people usually take that as shyness. It isn’t. I am also observant, so I don’t generally make first contact. In a crowded room, I am the one sitting off to myself with a drink watching those around me and, if at someone’s house, playing with their cat or dog. For those who do take the time to make first contact with me, they will find a warm and caring person, but also a very quirky person. I don’t like small chat and I don’t care much for silliness or stupidity. I am far too serious a person for those things. That’s not to say I don’t have a sense of humor. I do. I just don’t do stupid. I also won’t be trying to chat up the popular people in the crowd because they are generally posers. I look for those like myself who are quiet and alone, but I still probably wouldn’t approach them first. I prefer the company of intellectuals because I love to hear how they perceive the world, but I often feel inadequate around them. I fear if they get to know me, they will think that I am an impostor since I am not well-versed in philosophy, psychology, technology and the like. I just enjoy hearing smart people talk about smart things. I am most comfortable around computer geeks, science fiction freaks and nerdy people, since I consider myself all of those things too.
There is also the dark side of me that makes it hard for people to get an accurate read on me. When people hear that I love horror and am a serial killer buff, that tends to make people weary. If they find out that I enjoy all things witchy and paranormal, love vampires and werewolves and generally prefer the night, then they really get concerned. I must be a total freak, right? Yep, indeed I am. If they’d met me in my 20s and early 30s during my goth years, they would have crossed the street rather than share the same walkway with me. And when they find out that at 50, my preferred music is still heavy metal, including death metal, they tend to really freak out.
I guess what I am trying to say here is that people generally perceive me as an odd duck. I don’t follow trends. I do my own thing, always. I am not superficial and I don’t like superficial people. I will try to get along with everyone around me, but if I find something offensive, I will call it out. If someone’s behavior becomes overbearing, I will leave and not care who’s feelings are hurt about it. You will not find me joining in on ‘the joke’ if it is at someone else’s expense, especially if it is cruel or rude. I am not a ‘go along to get along’ type of person.
Apparently my behaviors put me on the fringe of society. And you know what? I am okay with that. If it means less friends, then so be it. If it means less social interaction, so be it. Unlike a lot of people in the world, I am okay with my own company and all of my odd, quirky and strange behaviors.