The Daily Me (Journal) Pride – 12/09/2016

Today’s prompt comes from 100 Inspirational Journal Prompts by Melissa Bolton @ The Mogul Mom

Something about yourself that you’re most proud of.

This is a difficult self-exploration moment for me. Years ago, long before the deep depression, suicide attempts and turbulent 13-year marriage, I would have said my determination. I had goals then. Definitive paths I wanted to take. That determination got side-lined by the college money issue, which lead to the deep depression and the downward spiral that has killed those plans completely. Needless to say, I no longer have that burning determination.

I am most definitely not proud of my health. Some of it is my own fault, like the diabetes and not taking care of myself when I was first diagnosed. Some of it was happenstance, like the cancer and the chemo which left me with neuropathy in my feet. And the other is well, I suppose part genetic and part environmental, like the mental illnesses that have plagued me for the duration of my life.

These days, I find it difficult to be proud of almost anything about myself. I am 50, estranged from my spouse, living on disability, and sharing a home with my elderly father and brother. My life is nothing like I’d hoped all those years ago when I had a vision of where my life would be by the age of 50. I wanted to be a college professor, writing novels and books of poetry, and living somewhere in New England, preferably Maine. I wanted a small house, tons of cats and maybe a lover or two. That is not the life I have now.

The only thing I am still proud of myself about is my creativity. Although I still have periods of inactivity due to my health and mental illnesses, I have not given up my love of writing, nor my love of art. I am less interested these days in publication. Now I just write because I love it and I enjoy the small audience I have here on WordPress. I still dabble with watercolor painting and charcoal sketches now and again. I am relatively content with what I am able to do these days creatively, even if I am discontent by the life I am living.

One thought on “The Daily Me (Journal) Pride – 12/09/2016

  1. I can so relate about life right now not being the vision we had for ourselves. Don’t you sometimes feel like you’re hitting your head up against a brick wall? But CREATIVITY abounds in you, my dear! “I am relatively content with what I am able to do these days creatively, even if I am discontent by the life I am living.” Right there with you, sista!

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