The Daily Me (Journal) Forgiveness – 12/07/2016

Today’s prompt comes from 100 Inspirational Journal Prompts by Melissa Bolton @ The Mogul Mom

Who do you need to forgive? Why?

The one person I truly need to forgive is my mother. The fact that she is deceased makes it harder to do. I cannot get the answers to questions that have plagued me the majority of my life. Questions like, why did you ignore me? why wasn’t I as important as my sister and brother? and why did you never tell me you were proud of me?

My mother was a very difficult person. She was physically and mentally abused as a child – as was her entire family – by a drunken, cruel father. As a result of her childhood, mother was distant and sometimes cold. I rarely saw her smile or heard her laughing. She was a serious woman and often volatile. She was also a perfectionist and hard to please. She never praised us for the things we did well, but was hyper-critical of things we did wrong. She stayed home most of the time by choice, but would argue with my dad if he went somewhere. She was extremely passive-aggressive, codependent and probably had PTSD.

I’ve tried many times to forgive my mother when she was alive and since her passing. I still harbor a lot of animosity toward her for how she treated me. I could never tell her what bothered me about her behavior because if I attempted it, she would say things like “If you think I am such a bad mother, you should have lived the kind of childhood I did.” That was always her answer to everything… her bad childhood. I did inherit some of her traits – aloofness, seriousness, and perfectionism. I do try to praise people, but I can also be a bit overly critical as well.

I know that in order for me to heal, I have to stop blaming her, let it go and move on. It’s just one of the most difficult things for me to do. Sometimes, I think I hold onto the bitterness because it is all I have left of her. Still, I wish I had good memories of her, but sadly, most of my memories of the past are negative ones.

5 thoughts on “The Daily Me (Journal) Forgiveness – 12/07/2016

  1. My experience is so similar, Lori. But mom was abused by her older brother and in a bad marriage. Also she worked outside the home and was so sweet to everyone at her job, I was 100% convinced she didn’t like me. You know what helped? Going through family pictures to use at her funeral. I hadn’t looked at them in 30 years, I bet. Suddenly I found all these photos of us together when I was very little and she’d be holding me, laughing, etc. I was stunned. That really began the healing process for me.

    • Thanks for sharing about your own experience, Calen. I am so glad you had photos to go back through and begin healing from them. No such luck with my mother. She never allowed anyone to take pictures of her. In all of my 50 yrs, I have only one picture of my mother and that was when I was in my late 30s and a friend snapped one of mother on the front porch as we were about to leave the house. It was from the side and she wasn’t at all happy about it. *sighs*

  2. Forgiveness helps…but only when your ready for it. I’ve forgiven my mother, not for her sake, but for mine…and it’s for my own well being and ‘survival’ not to have a relationship with her…….(((((((hugs))))))))

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