The Sandbox Challenge #43 — A Whole in One!

Another catch-up post, this time from June 14th. Raili has given us another pondersome question to write about:

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What makes you feel whole?

In all honesty, I don’t think I have ever felt whole. For my entire life, I’ve had this emptiness inside and try as I might, I haven’t been able to fill it up. I don’t even know what I am devoid of to begin to fill it. I’ve tried to fill it with love, sex, material things, education/knowledge, spiritual matters, and even through my writing and art. And yet I remain empty. Something is missing. I don’t know if it is because of my unusual circumstances (being a walk-in) or if it is my body’s genetic make-up, or even my mental illness.

Most of the time, I feel like a giant black hole that continually sucks in matter, but never gets full. This is probably why I associate so much with darkness as it is void of light, because even when I try to suck in light, only darkness remains. It is quite a conundrum for me. I’ve even thought that perhaps it is my purpose to be empty, in a Buddhist concept sense, but again, perhaps that is only me trying to be whole through a spiritual matter. I’ve even thought that maybe I just enjoy wallowing in my own misery, but being empty doesn’t really make me miserable. It doesn’t give me pleasure either. It’s more like I am neutral about the whole ordeal.

I think I’d like to be whole. It sounds quite lovely and peaceful, but altogether foreign to me. I ponder what it would be like to be filled to capacity with something other than emptiness. But then, perhaps emptiness is my wholeness and I should give up trying to fill it with anything.

 

6 thoughts on “The Sandbox Challenge #43 — A Whole in One!

  1. Pingback: The Sandbox Writing Challenge Review #4 | As the Fates Would Have It

  2. That last question you asked is a humdinger, Lori. I’m going to have to ponder on that. This comment stirred me: This is probably why I associate so much with darkness as it is void of light. White is devoid of color because it’s light that reflects everything back. Black, on the other hand, does captures all the colors that come near it (very much like a black hole as you said). That being the case, it behooves us to look closer and closer at the black void to find the colors hidden there. That’s a thought that’s been in the back of my mind since I’ve been writing Seeker.

  3. Pingback: The Sandbox Writing Challenge #48 — Sacred | Impromptu Promptlings

  4. My family is where I feel my continuing wholeness. But trauma and tragedy has put a chink in that I feel like something/someone is missing. I don’t know if any one person feels entirely whole so to say. Just know you’re not alone.

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