The Sandbox Writing Challenge #42 — Of Two Minds?

This is a catch-up from June 7th, where Calen asked the following

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What divides you?

I am not even sure where to go with this question. I thought that by reading some of the others’ responses, it might help me with the question, but sadly, it did not (everyone’s answers were great though!) I guess I will just have to wing it on my own.

I guess the biggest division that I have with myself is remaining here on Earth when I long to be HOME. I won’t go into details about where HOME is, just suffice to say, it isn’t planet Earth. Maybe some day I will feel comfortable enough to give full details, but that day isn’t today. Still, the longing for HOME is powerful and real. I struggle with being here and living in this world with so much hate, bigotry, racism and cruelty. I struggle to understand why people feel the need to harm one another, even those they profess to love. I don’t understand why some people feel the need to act superior toward others. Aren’t we all born the same way? Die the same way (meaning that life ceases to exist)? Why then must there be so much division while we live? Don’t we all bleed red? This desire to leave when I know I must stay is a constant battle for me.

I’ve also been battling with another huge decision that leaves me divided – to isolate myself or remain with others. By isolation, I do not mean running off to live in a cave somewhere with no outside contact. What I do mean is that for the past 15 years, I have lived with someone else – my ex-husband and now my dad and brother. I long for the freedom of living by myself and doing my own thing whenever I wish to. I don’t do well following other people’s rules. I hate being told to do things this way or that way when the way I do things is perfectly fine. Just because their way works for them, doesn’t necessarily mean that it works for me, but because I live under their roof, I must ‘obey’ their rules. *shudders* And especially when there is no room for compromise. It’s like living under tyranny.

A last dividing issue for me has to do with my mental illness. Should I remain medicated or once again go off of the medication. When I am medicated, I cannot write. When I am non-medicated, my mind is a-buzz with tons of creative ideas, so much so, that I cannot find the time to write them all. However, when I am not medicated, I am also prone to mood swings and erratic behavior, which wouldn’t be a problem if I lived alone, but is a huge problem living with others. I wrestle with whether or not I want to be a zombie or an erratic creative being.

Well, I guess this question wasn’t as difficult as I originally thought. It only took me three hours though to write this small amount. *sighs* three hours… just months ago, I could have popped all of this out within a half an hour or less.

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15 thoughts on “The Sandbox Writing Challenge #42 — Of Two Minds?

  1. I find it exhausting to live with my family because all of the work that comes with it. (I married and had kids a little later in life.) I know I will miss them once they’re off to college, but there is a little part of me that is rubbing her hands together with glee, thinking of all that yummy writing time.

    I’ve heard this trade off about medication before. It must be so frustrating that there is not a better “happy medium” between creativity and docility.

    • Thank you for your comments, Tamara. I hope you get your small bit of freedom when your kids go off to college so you can write more. And yes, it is a horrible trade off with medication. Very difficult to find a happy medium. My mind stays muddled most of the time and I do feel like a zombie.

  2. Pingback: The Sandbox Writing Challenge #47 — Huh? | Impromptu Promptlings

  3. Pingback: The Sandbox Writing Challenge #42 — Of Two Minds? | Impromptu Promptlings

  4. I can identify with much of what you said, Lori, though on a very superficial level. Only once have I ever experienced the freedom to not have to be taking care of anyone but me — it was a vacation with a friend and NO family. So I do understand your wanting — needing — your own place. I understand your wanting to go home, wherever that is. That’s where I’m writing to when I journal and I have no idea where it is. But every night when I go to bed I tell God it’s ok if he wants to take me tonight. I’m ready. I’m tired of the same things you are. But I cannot know what it feels like to struggle with your mental issues. I can only assume it makes everything I experience a million times worse. To live as you’ve been living must seem like being shoved into a little bottle. Your dilemma about to medicate or not — how does one decide? It WOULD be an easier decision to make if you had your own space.

    Girlfriend, I expect life just sucks frightfully for you some days. I know this struggle is not over for you by a long shot, but I will say it’s so good to see you here and you are very much loved with or without any meds. We are here for you. ❤ {{{Lori}}}

    • Thank you, Calen! I bet that little bit of freedom felt great for you though. Prior to 15 yrs ago, I’d always worked and taken care of myself and pretty much lived on my own. I have felt like a captive for the last 15 yrs and am still struggling with my decision to move out and get my own place. Money is a huge factor of course. I understand your own struggles with wanting to go HOME. I am sure though, that just like myself, you still have a purpose here and we will both remain until that purpose is fulfilled.
      I wouldn’t wish an understanding of my mental issues on anyone. It comes from such a bleak, desolate place. I don’t even have the proper words to explain it to anyone. But yes, I do feel like I am shoved into a little bottle most of the time. For now, I will remain medicated. It has helped my erratic behavior and made me a bit more tolerating to those I live with, even though my creative side is laying dormant at the moment.
      Thank you so much for your love and friendship (((Calen)))

  5. Hi Lori, I had to look twice to see if I was seeing right! It’s nice to have you back here, in any way you can manage. I know it’s been a long, tough time for you of late. I hope it gets better bit by bit. And that you are able to resolve some of those issues in a way that sits more comfortably for you.
    Sending you lots of love – xxxx

  6. I don’t know what to say Lori – whether a medicated or unmedicated post it is beautifully written. Even if it did take you forever 🙂 … Ties that bind, always hard to live with and with a foot in each divide.

    I feel for your longing for home. These are troubled times. Our hope for peace and universal love, equality, fairness etc etc etc seems out of reach sometimes. So we have to continue putting out our hope and prayers …

    I’ve never liked the word compromise, though I have to accept that it has its place. It sounds as some sort of compromise must be reached while you are living with your father and brother. What can each do to help make the living arrangements more amenable; where is one failing; what would be an arrangement where everyone is as ‘happy’ as possible given the conditions; what is a win-win outcome.

    • Thank you so much for your lovely comments, Susan 🙂 Indeed, I think because of my sense of harmony, peace and justice, it makes it even more difficult for me to be here, but somehow I know it is where I am needed NOW. So indeed, I do need to keep putting out hope and prayers. Thank you for the reminder!
      Yes, compromise isn’t one of my favorite words either, but it is something I have to live with. Unfortunately I do most of the compromising and have to submit to everyone’s rules. I am dealing with it as much as I can. My father would rather give in than get into any conflict, so he isn’t really the problem. My brother is very stringent though and doesn’t like to compromise at all. We have very different outlooks on life. He likes to be right and unyielding most of the time. We usually deal with our conflicts by ignoring one another for a period of time and then just forget what we were arguing over and move on. It isn’t the best way to deal with conflicts, but it is the only way we can get back to center.
      Thank you ((hugs))

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