The Sandbox Writing Challenge #42 — Of Two Minds?

This is a catch-up from June 7th, where Calen asked the following

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What divides you?

I am not even sure where to go with this question. I thought that by reading some of the others’ responses, it might help me with the question, but sadly, it did not (everyone’s answers were great though!) I guess I will just have to wing it on my own.

I guess the biggest division that I have with myself is remaining here on Earth when I long to be HOME. I won’t go into details about where HOME is, just suffice to say, it isn’t planet Earth. Maybe some day I will feel comfortable enough to give full details, but that day isn’t today. Still, the longing for HOME is powerful and real. I struggle with being here and living in this world with so much hate, bigotry, racism and cruelty. I struggle to understand why people feel the need to harm one another, even those they profess to love. I don’t understand why some people feel the need to act superior toward others. Aren’t we all born the same way? Die the same way (meaning that life ceases to exist)? Why then must there be so much division while we live? Don’t we all bleed red? This desire to leave when I know I must stay is a constant battle for me.

I’ve also been battling with another huge decision that leaves me divided – to isolate myself or remain with others. By isolation, I do not mean running off to live in a cave somewhere with no outside contact. What I do mean is that for the past 15 years, I have lived with someone else – my ex-husband and now my dad and brother. I long for the freedom of living by myself and doing my own thing whenever I wish to. I don’t do well following other people’s rules. I hate being told to do things this way or that way when the way I do things is perfectly fine. Just because their way works for them, doesn’t necessarily mean that it works for me, but because I live under their roof, I must ‘obey’ their rules. *shudders* And especially when there is no room for compromise. It’s like living under tyranny.

A last dividing issue for me has to do with my mental illness. Should I remain medicated or once again go off of the medication. When I am medicated, I cannot write. When I am non-medicated, my mind is a-buzz with tons of creative ideas, so much so, that I cannot find the time to write them all. However, when I am not medicated, I am also prone to mood swings and erratic behavior, which wouldn’t be a problem if I lived alone, but is a huge problem living with others. I wrestle with whether or not I want to be a zombie or an erratic creative being.

Well, I guess this question wasn’t as difficult as I originally thought. It only took me three hours though to write this small amount. *sighs* three hours… just months ago, I could have popped all of this out within a half an hour or less.

Back Again – Maybe? Hopefully?

It feels strange to be here again after my long absence. Almost like being an intruder on my own blog. I am not ready yet to get back to writing creatively, but I thought that perhaps I might be up to doing some kind of journal writing. I’ve mostly enjoyed doing The Sandbox Challenge, the Friendship Challenge and the Creative Questions, so I will be catching up on those in the upcoming days as I feel up to writing.

This will be slow-going as my mind is so heavily sedated these days. Unfortunately, this is one of the side-effects of psych meds for me and why I have fought for so long not to take them. I lost that battle recently and am back on the meds. Due to the medication, the voices of my muses are not only muffled, but… well, the only way to describe the feeling is that they are on the other side of a wormhole that I cannot get through. Every time I try to cross that threshold, the wormhole collapses. It isn’t merely fog. It’s a universe away. That probably makes little sense to most people, but it is the only way I can describe it.

So, in the upcoming days, I will be doing some journal writing and trying to salvage my mind. Perhaps just writing something, anything again will bridge the gap I need to get back into creative writing.