Monthly Wrap-Up: May 2016

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May has been a rollercoaster of a ride for me. Allow me to share some of the twisty-turvy events with you…

I was ill for about 12 days (7 of those days were the worst) with a flu-like bug – fevers, chills, unable to keep food down, too many trips to the toilet, my head hung over a wastebasket, and extremely lethargic. Although I am able to eat solid food again, I am still quite lethargic. I only get the flu maybe once every couple of years and generally in winter, so this was quite a shock for me.

I’ve also been having a serious bout of depression for most of the month – partly due to a friendship I knew I had to end and eventually did end and partly because of being off of my low carb diet for most of April and May. Between the flu and my screwed up diet, my blood sugar has been all over the board (even taking my insulin), anywhere between 180 up to the 400s. High blood sugar readings also contribute to depression for me. When I had the flu, it was nothing for my bs readings to be in the 300s. Since I wasn’t eating, I didn’t feel safe taking as much insulin as I am supposed to take, so the numbers just ran rampant. It has taken me 3 days to get it out of the 300s without over-dosing on insulin (taking too much insulin makes me crave sweets and other carbs). The past two days, I have been back on my low carb diet and I can finally feel the depression lifting some.

And I’ve been having some internet issues that have driven me insane. My provider has been doing major upgrades to their wifi service which has been knocking me offline at random times during the day and night, often for hours at a time. They sent out a schedule of these ‘down times’ to people who receive a paper bill, but not to those of us who get the electronic bill. I had no idea why the ‘net kept going down and would spend hours on the telephone trying to get through, but since I didn’t know what was going on, I didn’t know they wouldn’t be answering the phones either. This oversight on their part kept me on the phone with them for nearly two hours one night (when they weren’t down) trying to get through to someone, anyone who had the time to read me the schedule. This occurred while I was ill, so my patience wore thin pretty quickly. There will still be updates randomly through June, but thankfully, they sent a schedule out to those of us who receive the electronic bill this time. So if you don’t see me around, it is probably because of the wifi upgrades.

I am a bit disappointed that I didn’t get to complete the StoryADay writing project. I did try to catch up with the story writing, but I finally resolved that those last seven stories would just go unwritten. I’m not looking at this as a failure though. I did what I could while I was well enough to write or had service to the ‘net. Time to sweep all of that out the door and look forward to June. I will be writing on my memoir and Serial Killer short stories, working on another addition to the Jack Diamond story, continue working with Keith Channing on the Zanzibar story and hopefully begin a project with my friend Raili. I’ve decided not to stress out over any of these projects this coming month. If I get all of it done, hurray! If not, so be it. I will fill you in on one thing – I will be taking the entire day off on Monday, June 20th. That will be my 50th birthday and I spend my birthdays doing my favorite things and that doesn’t include being online.

And now, because I feel a bit tired, I am going to go sit out on the front porch and watch the neighbor’s kids play catch and listen to the birds singing. See you all tomorrow.

Circle of Friends – Week 4

Each Sunday in May, I will be joining Raili @ Soul Gifts for Circle of Friends. Hop on over and join us!

I am actually a week behind, so for last Sunday’s prompt for friendship, Raili asked us to explore our “most unique experience of friendship.” What moment, memory, experience, person comes to mind?

The most unique experience I’ve had was with my friend JK. If soulmates truly exist, she was definitely mine. From the moment I met her, two things struck me deeply about her – she was stubborn and loyal. She would prove to be the most infuriating woman I’d ever met and the only one who would take the time to really get to know and understand me. She was funny, serious, a sponge for knowledge, creative and at times, came across as a know-it-all. And I loved all of those things about her. I didn’t have to wear a mask around her. She really got me completely. She allowed me to be my introverted self while she went out and made friends with everyone she came into contact with. She knew when to be chatty with me and when to allow silence to sit comfortably between us. Of all the friends I’ve ever had, she was the one I was most at ease with. I’d like to think that we would still be friends to this day if I hadn’t lost contact with her after my move to Oklahoma. Some days I still wish she was around. I miss her closeness and companionship.

The Sandbox Writing Challenge #40 — Survivor

I am way late in answering this question, but better late than never, right? For this week, Calen asks a very important question, one that has me questioning a lot about my past and present.

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What makes you a survivor?

The best answer that I can come up with is… I am still alive. I don’t feel brave for weathering my storms. I don’t feel empowered for accomplishing some massive feat. And I am definitely no role model for others who’ve been abused (physically, emotionally and/or mentally) or suffered from crippling depression.

I wrestle with my demons on a daily basis. Some days I am grateful that I have the tools to keep myself from descending back into what I can only describe as a hell of my own making. Other days, I begin to slide and forget all about those tools as darkness surrounds me. I must have a whole team of angels working in my favor because something always catches me before I fall too far into the abyss. Lately, it would seem that they’ve been working in tandem as my demons are determined to recapture me completely.

I often ask myself if I made the wrong decision to go off of my medication nearly two years ago. For the most part, I’ve been fine. Just short bouts of melancholy for the better part of a year. But for the past six months, I’ve begun to notice a trend. The short bouts are getting longer and it isn’t just melancholy, it’s definitely depression now. Not to mention, my OCD is getting much worse, to the point of agitation. Fear has become a constant companion. I am not sure I could handle another serious break-down.

To me, a survivor is one who has faced an obstacle and come out a winner. I’m still facing obstacles and I haven’t won anything yet. So I don’t really consider myself a survivor. I merely exist on the brink of chaos.

Celebrate the Small Things – 05.27.16

Celebrate blog hop

Today I am celebrating the continued warmth, during the days and the nights. We’ve been in the high 80s now for well over  week during the day and into the 60s at night. So although I am not freezing me arse off now, I am having issues with the humidity. Still, I won’t complain. I deal better with that than the cold these days. Hopefully Dad will put my a/c in this weekend and the humidity issue will be resolved.

I am also celebrating that my health is beginning to improve. This whatever flu bug or cold thing I’ve had for well over a week is finally leaving my body. I am still fairly lethargic, but back on solid foods. Now I just need to focus on my mental health *sighs*

And finally, I am celebrating that tomorrow, the zucchini plants go into the ground. Those little buggers are taking their sweet time growing, but have sprang up a lot in the last few days.

Looks like a storm is headed this way… about time to get off the ‘net.

What are you celebrating this week, dear readers? Feel free to share with me in comments.


Each Friday, I join Lexa Cain and friends for a weekly blog-hop called Celebrate the Small Things, where we celebrate all of those small moments from the week before.

The wonderful co-hosts of Celebrate the Small Things are:
L.G. Keltner @ Writing Off The Edge
Katie @ TheCyborgMom

Celebrate The Small Things Linky:

1. Lexa Cain 2. Fiction and Film
3. Writing Off the Edge 4. Kidbits
5. TheCyborgMom 6. Thoughts and Ideas from Deanie Humphrys-Dunne
7. My Inner Geek 8. Eclectic Alli
9. Intentional Insights with S. Kelley Harrell 10. Constantine
11. My Miracle Life 12. Writing, Reading, and the Pursuit of Dreams
13. My Creatively Random Life 14. Shells Tales and Sails
15. Lara Lacombe 16. TF Walsh
17. Caring for my Veteran 18. Life, Yoga and Other Adventures
19. About myself, by myself 20. Suzanne Furness
21. Elizabeth Seckman 22. Avalon
23. Cherdo on the Flipside 24. My Baffling Brain
25. Planet Kimberly 26. Shah Wharton
27. Mere Joyce 28. Victorian Scribbles
29. Tanya Miranda 30. God, Entertainment, & Annoying Things
31. Ann – A Friend of Jesus 2013 32. Special Teaching At Pempi’s Palace
33. Square Pegs 34. Patricia’s Place
35. Yvonne Van Dalen 36. Anne Higa
37. My Antimatter Life 38. Bouquet of Books
39. Lightravellerkate 40. Curious As A Cathy
41. Julie Flanders 42. As the Fates Would Have It
43. Project Why 44. Crazy Old Lady
45. In My Own Words

 

#WeekendCoffeeShare: 5/21/16

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If we were having coffee, I would invite you to the kitchen table. It’s another chilly morning and raining again. I’d offer you some croissants and espresso and tell you that the croissants aren’t homemade, but I did get them from a little deli. They are hot, fresh and buttery! And there’s strawberry jam to go with them. I’d also clue you in on how I keep the espresso from tasting bitter.

“I add just a dash of cinnamon to the grinds when I brew it. Even my dad will drink it this way!”

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that we finally got the garden laid down. An endeavor that usually only takes a couple of days, ended up taking over a week, between rainfalls and cold temperatures. We had to purchase plants this year because the cold kept us from starting from seeds, so hopefully even planting this late will still yield a nice harvest.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you how miserable I’ve been the past few days – fevers, chills, tummy issues, elevated blood pressure, and little to no appetite. I have no idea what’s causing it – a cold or flu bug, or if I am just rundown for whatever reason.

“I spent the majority of the day in bed yesterday. Completely unusual for me,” I’d tell you.

And finally, if we were having coffee, I would thank you for listening to my complaints and bag you up a few croissants to take home with you. “Hopefully we can do this again soon,” I’d tell you as I handed you an umbrella and waved goodbye.

If we were having coffee, what would YOU tell me? Let me know in comments!


This delightful coffee share is brought to you by Part-Time Monster and friends.

Saturday 9: What Hurts the Most (2006)

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Saturday 9: What Hurts the Most (2006)

Unfamiliar with this week’s tune? Hear it here.

1) What hurts Sam the most is her sole, since she just found that earring she thought was lost by stepping on it with her bare foot. How about you? Any aches and pains to report?

At the moment, both of my feet are in pain. Burning and nerve-twitching from neuropathy.

2) What’s the last thing you misplaced? Did you find it?

My blood pressure meter. Nope, it is still missing. I’ve searched everywhere for it. Finally had to borrow my brother’s meter.

3) Lead singer Gary LeVox sings that he’s not afraid to cry. When is the last time you shed a tear?

Tuesday night when I watched NCIS and had to say goodbye to the character Tony DiNozzo.

4) Gary auditioned for another country group, Little Big Town, but didn’t get in. Considering how successful Rascal Flatts has been, he’s probably not sorry. Tell us about something you thought you wanted, but later weren’t so sure.

This happens to me almost every time I want chocolate. I have a love/hate relationship with it. I love chocolate and crave it often, but after I eat it, I know my blood sugar will go sky-high and I will regret it. I’m sure this doesn’t really answer the question, but it’s all I’ve got.

5) The country group has their roots in Columbus, Ohio. What else is Ohio known for?

Botched election tallies? I really don’t know much about Ohio.

6) Lead guitarist Joe Don Rooney married model and former Miss Georgia, Tiffany Fallon. Many major pageants give prizes in the talent, congeniality and swimsuit competitions. Would you prefer to have exceptional skills, a great personality, or a terrific body?

Exceptional skills. Looks and personality are so over-rated.

7) 2006, the year this song was popular, was a very good one for tennis pro Roger Federer. He reached the finals in all four Grand Slam tournaments, and won three. What’s the last game you won? (Yes, Words with Friends counts.)

Rummy, a couple of months ago. As a general rule due to traumatic events regarding games, I rarely play them. Cards now and again, but that’s it.

8) Actor Tony Shalhoub won an Emmy in 2006 for his portrayal of detective Adrian Monk on Monk. Who’s your favorite TV detective?

Sherlock Holmes as portrayed by Benedict Cumberbatch on the BBC show, Sherlock.

9) Random question … You’ve just won an all-expenses-paid trip but now you have to choose: Carnivale in Brazil, the Bordeaux Wine Festival in France, or the Running of the Bulls in Spain?

I don’t do carnivals and I think the running of the bulls is just madness, so I guess that leaves me with the Bordeaux Wine Festival in France. It’s a good thing I love wine.

Fessin’ Up Time

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently about the relationship that I have with my ‘selfish’ friend Lisa and the demands that she puts on me. As some of you know, the reason I started the Hump Day Poetry thing on A Whispered Wind was because Lisa issued me a challenge. In some ways, it was indeed a challenge, but in other ways, it was more of a guilt-induced demand. She saw that I had writing goals lined up for the entire year – some fiction and some poetry. She much prefers my poetry to my fiction and grumbled about how little poetry I would actually be writing this upcoming year. I tried to explain to her that it was difficult for me to switch back and forth between a fiction mindset and a poetic mindset, so if I was writing fiction, I wouldn’t be writing much poetry. She used the “what about me?” card. But if I truly loved her, I would write poetry, just for her. And that’s when she came up with the idea of me taking one day of the week to write a poem just for her. Reluctantly, I agreed.

I should have said no. I know my writing schedule for the year. I know the demands it will be making on me. I know how switching back and forth is difficult for me. So why did I agree? Partly because I didn’t want to hear her whine about how I didn’t love her enough to do this for her once a week. And partly because my word for the year is Abundance and I made a promise to myself that when opportunities came knocking, I would rise to the occasion. Especially if they were writing related. Still, I should have said no. What started out as a whimsical endeavor has become a soul-sucking one. I dread every Wednesday that rolls around. I become moody and dark, and these emotions last for several days. I don’t want to talk to her on the phone and I don’t want to read her emails. I’ve grown to resent her for pushing this on me.

So when I wrote last week’s poem, it encompassed everything that I’ve felt about writing these poems just for her each week – all of the anger, frustration and resentment. After reading it, she sent me this message late that Wednesday:

Well are you really have trouble in
finding the words that you can write
a poem each week sorry to hear this
& I will release you from writing a poem
just one more & you are free as a bird.

And this is where my frustration has grown. Knowing that I am struggling, knowing how I feel, she still wants one more.. one more before she releases me from this challenge.

So I expressed my concerns about this with my friend Claire and she gave me this to think over:

You did tell me you were diagnosed “borderline personality” right? Remember common borderline reaction/behavior: Snap judgment ~ snap-pullout from relationship to save oneself ~ running scared, resulting in abandonment of a friend who may (or, granted, may not) have your best interests at heart.

Ask yourself these questions:

Did you offer to help? even insist??
Is this how she has taken advantage?
Look closely, deeply…

So I’ve been doing as she suggested. And here is where it is time to make a confession. Some of the anger and frustration over this is MY fault. It all boils down to me not being able to say NO and then getting pissy when I have to actually do what I have promised to do even when I know I don’t want to be doing it. And I think because I know some of it is my fault, this is why I can’t bear to talk to her or read her emails. But I don’t think this is a snap judgement issue at all. Lisa and I have had many battles in the past over her demands. She only has time for me when it suits her (i.e. when she has no one else around to keep her company or entertain her) or when she wants me to prove to her that I love her. And no, I don’t think she has my best interests at heart.

I am left with quite a dilemma here. Do I continue to give into her demands and remain friends? Or do I set myself free? Only time will tell. I still have much to ponder here.

Celebrate the Small Things – 05.20.16

Celebrate blog hop

Today I am celebrating that we’ve finally got most of the garden in. I say ‘we’ but truthfully Dad has done most of the work. He did all of the tilling, laid down the felt, worked the grid and planted most of the plants. Mostly all I’ve done is poke some holes and lay in a few plants. Still, it has felt good to actually help this year. My health wasn’t very good last year, so I didn’t get to do any gardening. We just have the zucchini to get into the ground, which will probably be some time on Monday since we are buying the plants this year due to the cold weather and late planting. The zucchini wasn’t ready when we bought the other plants. I can’t wait to make the first stirfry or pot of soup from those fresh vegetables!

Since I’ve not felt well the past few days, there’s little else to celebrate. I am just barely keeping up with writing projects because my body is just exhausted. I guess I could celebrate that I am still alive… yes, we will celebrate that.

What are you celebrating this week, dear readers? Feel free to share with me in comments.


Each Friday, I join Lexa Cain and friends for a weekly blog-hop called Celebrate the Small Things, where we celebrate all of those small moments from the week before.

The wonderful co-hosts of Celebrate the Small Things are:
L.G. Keltner @ Writing Off The Edge
Katie @ TheCyborgMom

Celebrate The Small Things Linky:

1. Lexa Cain 2. Fiction and Film
3. Writing Off the Edge 4. Kidbits
5. TheCyborgMom 6. Thoughts and Ideas from Deanie Humphrys-Dunne
7. My Inner Geek 8. Eclectic Alli
9. Intentional Insights with S. Kelley Harrell 10. Constantine
11. My Miracle Life 12. Writing, Reading, and the Pursuit of Dreams
13. My Creatively Random Life 14. Shells Tales and Sails
15. Lara Lacombe 16. TF Walsh
17. Caring for my Veteran 18. Life, Yoga and Other Adventures
19. About myself, by myself 20. Suzanne Furness
21. Elizabeth Seckman 22. Avalon
23. Cherdo on the Flipside 24. My Baffling Brain
25. Planet Kimberly 26. Shah Wharton
27. Mere Joyce 28. Victorian Scribbles
29. Tanya Miranda 30. God, Entertainment, & Annoying Things
31. Ann – A Friend of Jesus 2013 32. Special Teaching At Pempi’s Palace
33. Square Pegs 34. Patricia’s Place
35. Yvonne Van Dalen 36. Anne Higa
37. My Antimatter Life 38. Bouquet of Books
39. Lightravellerkate 40. Curious As A Cathy
41. Julie Flanders 42. As the Fates Would Have It
43. Project Why 44. Crazy Old Lady
45. In My Own Words

10 Daily Currents – 05.20.16

It is Friday at 2:54 pm and I am currently…

1. listening: the birds singing, my wind machine humming, traffic going by

2. eating: a small pork chop and like 5 brussel sprouts.. thought I was hungry, but I guess not

3. drinking: ice water at the moment… contemplating coffee

4. wearing: black shorts, blue t-shirt with a fairy print on the front

5. feeling: achy from working on the garden… still not up to par from yesterday

6. weather: warm-ish, cloudy, around 65 degrees  – expecting rain this evening

7. wanting: a massage

8. needing: a shower to wash away this grime

9. thinking: one more day of planting and the garden will be set

10. enjoying: just taking a moment to stretch and relax

I had a thought, dear readers… if you’d like to grab these 10 Daily Currents and write your own, link back to my post so I can share along with you!

10 Daily Currents – 05.19.16

It is Thursday at 12:19 pm and I am currently…

1. listening: to the hum of my white noise machine, the news in the background

2. eating: ate some ground beef with salsa, but couldn’t eat very much of it. Tummy isn’t feeling too well today.

3. drinking: coffee with cream and stevia, ice water

4. wearing: black lounger, purple socks

5. feeling: not so well… tummy’s upset and I feel feverish. Hope I am not coming down with the flu

6. weather: cool, cloudy, around 60 degrees – looks like more rain today

7. wanting: to stop feeling so icky today

8. needing: to do more writing and some reading

9. thinking: I’d go back to bed, but me body aches and I know I wouldn’t sleep much

10. enjoying: nothing… everything feels like an effort today

I had a thought, dear readers… if you’d like to grab these 10 Daily Currents and write your own, link back to my post so I can share along with you!