03.23.16 – End of Day Notes

What I did today: I pulled another one of my famous all-niters last night. I managed to do quite a bit of writing today, despite being sleepy. I did lie down for about 3 hours, but when I woke up, my feet were burning *sighs* I spent the later part of the evening reading emails, writing a couple flash fiction pieces and then just a few ago, I began watching This Is My Love, a Korean drama. I used to watch a lot of these. Some of them are really good, others are just too much fluff. The one I am watching now looks great, so I know I will enjoy it. I do think I will actually go to bed tonight. I am still groggy and since I didn’t get much sleep earlier, my body is beginning to rebel. I am going to write my 750 Words and call it a night.

What I learned today: I’m not as organized as I thought I was, or perhaps I just have my fingers dipping into too many challenges. There are some amazing challenges out there and I just want to do them all! But come next month, I will probably only get to do 3 or 4 of them as April will be a very busy month for me. I can always pick them back up again in May when things slow down a bit.

What I am most proud of today:  The friend who I write the Hump Day Poetry for wanted to give me yet another project to work on. Normally, I would have said yes and just forced myself to find the time to work it into my schedule, but I stood up for myself and said no. I think that is the first time I have actually told her no. It actually felt good. No stress.

What did you do today, dear readers? Learn any lessons? Have a reason to be proud? Share your thoughts with me in the comments!

Creative Questions 3 – To Be

I’ve decided to take calmkate @ Aroused up on her Creative Questions Challenge by answering each of her 6 current questions over the next few days.

CQ3: What do you want to be when you grow up?

I’m not sure when I grew up, but I’ve only ever wanted to be one thing: a writer. When I was really young, I wanted to be a journalist/reporter like Jessica Savitch. I idolized her and always thought of myself as traveling t0 far away places and writing or reporting about my adventures. When she died, my dream died with her, but it didn’t deter me from still wanting to be a writer. I’ve done some form of writing since I could pick up a pencil. I’ve written poetry since I was 12. I studied creative writing in college. And today, I write fiction and poetry. It is my passion, it’s why I get up every day, and it brings me great pleasure when others read my work and enjoy it. I am not published though and I doubt I ever will be. Just posting on my blog gives me enough pleasure.

10 Daily Currents – 03.23.16

It is Wednesday at 1:09 pm and I am currently…

1. listening: the birds singing, the wind blowing and soft jazz in the background

2. eating: nothing at the moment… had fried eggs and bacon for breakfast and will have a hamburger for dinner soon

3. drinking: yes, you guessed it… Pepsi Max

4. wearing: a pair of black crochet flare pants, a long-sleeved black crochet shirt and black socks

5. feeling: a bit sleepy… pulled another all-nighter and haven’t been to bed yet

6. weather: warm, sunny and breezy

7. wanting: a thick vanilla milkshake

8. needing: to put some cream on my elbows.. they are feeling pretty scalely

9. thinking: today is my dad’s 73rd birthday… way to go Poppy!

10. enjoying: having the front door open and the window up to air out the house

The Sandbox Writing Challenge #32 — Smile!

This week, Calen has given us a joyful question to answer (unfortunately my response may not be so joyful *sighs* )

What would make you feel the way this woman feels?

The emotions that I get from this photo are happy, joyful, flattered, open, engaged, positive, and sincere. This is tougher than it appears, Calen!

I guess it would take me believing that the person doing the flattering, making me laugh or giving me joy was open, honest and spiritual before I would believe anything that came out of his/her mouth. How cynical is that?

My cynicism comes from living with a narcissist for 13 years. When you live with a narc, you never know if what they say is sincere and for you, or if they are just mirroring you to make themselves feel great. They will praise you or compliment you one moment and berate and belittle you the next. You never quite know where you stand with them.

It also comes from living in a house as a child  were anything flattering that was said to you always came with a “but.” For instance, I often heard this from my mother, “You got an A- in Advanced Algerbra, a B+ in Advanced Chemistry, an A- in Spanish, and an A- in Government… that’s great, but your sister got straight As. How come you can’t get straight As?” She failed to realize that my sister never took Algebra, Chemistry, a history course beyond American History,  or a foreign language. She took Typing, Stenography, Business Math and other basic classes. My sister never applied herself in High School. Her biggest goals were to graduate, work as a secretary for the local newspaper for a few months and then get married, quit work and raise kids. I had my sights set on college.  In my eyes, it was Apples and Oranges. And that was just one example of how my praises got railroaded. There are many, many more, but I won’t bore you with them.

So it is very hard for me to take compliments and find joy in them because I am always waiting for the “but” to fall. I have learned to say “Thank you” graciously, but I rarely smile when complimented.

I guess in order for me to feel what that woman in the photograph feels so radiantly, I would have to rewrite my history. Have a different mother, not date and marry assholes, and not befriend people who are only into receiving but never giving back. Believe me, I would love to feel that freedom of joy and laughter and sincerity. It would be an amazing feeling. I just don’t ever see it happening to me because of those damn expected “buts!”