Trying to Find Acceptance

I am incredibly ill. I have been running from admitting that for months now, hoping that whatever this is that is plaguing me will disappear as quickly as it it arose. But that has not happened. In fact, I think I am progressively getting worse. These are my symptoms:

  • a chemical smell, like chlorine
  • dizziness, like the world is spinning
  • weakness in my legs and left arm
  • nearly falling and falling
  • brief blackout
  • twitching limbs after the fall
  • stiffness in my left shoulder (the right shoulder is slowly getting stiff too)
  • pain in both hips
  • pain in my lower portion of my spinal column
  • if I am not falling, I walk around like my head is full of cotton balls
  • headache across brow
  • blurry vision
  • fatigue

Some of this began while I was on chemo 18 months ago, namely the weakness in my legs and the left shoulder getting stiff. Other parts, mainly the dizziness and falling, began back in April. Some of the symptoms became enhanced when I began a new drug for my diabetes. Those symptoms should have faded away by now, so I do not believe it is the new medication causing the problems. I have been to my doctor about this and have done cardio tests to make sure that this is not about my heart. All of the tests came back fine. I have been waiting for a month and a half to see a Neuro Surgeon and will see him this coming Tuesday. I have had a CT Scan and there is a one inch lesion on my brain.

I am lost and afraid and keep telling myself not to get caught up in the fear. The “what ifs” are driving me insane. I try to meditate and my mind won’t still, no matter if I am just breathing or chanting a mantra. I am trying to rid myself of negativity in the way people talk to me and in the things I allow myself to see. I no longer open my computer to Yahoo News, but to Flickr where I see the gorgeous photographs of the people I follow there. I am trying to change what I eat because I feel horribly heavy after each meal. So I am on rice and steamed veggies and the occasional piece of fish, fruit and green tea. I don’t know, at this point, anything else I can do to help myself.

I’ve been told that the possibilities range from a mild stroke, a tumor, MS, and other sorted illness that if my head wasn’t already spinning, would be spinning about now. I already live with Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Diabetes. Because of the chemo, both of my feet have neuropathy in them and even though I was told they might get better over time, they have not. Honestly, I don’t know if I can live with any more illness. And I keep asking the Universe WHY? And I keep getting the answer, WHY NOT? What possible lesson am I supposed to be learning from one horrific illness to another?

I just want peace, stillness, silence, and serenity. And to sit with God through this peace and find contentment. I am still struggling with my word for the year (Acceptance). I want to accept all of this and allow it to be, but the not knowing what is wrong with me festers in my mind constantly.


What's on your mind? Let me know!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s