My Other WP Blogs

A Whispered Wind — a blog dedicated to my past and future writings (not prompt inspired).

Burning the Root — a blog dedicated to the art of writing, generally posts from other writers across the Web

Mindful Living for a Healthy Mind — a blog dedicated to the practice of Mindfulness in relations to Mental Health. May also find other alternative healing here.

Promptly Written — a blog dedicated to my writing inspired by others’ prompts

Love and Yarn

My loving sister-in-law sent this article to me. A few Christmases ago, I crocheted scarves for a few in the family. It is definitely an act of love. I decided to share this with my WP family.


A Love Through Yarn

I love through yarn.

I know, it sounds weird, but it’s true, I express love through hand knitted woolly goodness. I don’t mean the toilet paper cozies of days gone by with the creepy half Barbie, unless you are into that kind of thing, in which case I may already have the perfect pattern.

Hand knits cannot be requested. And they cannot be bought. I’ve been asked for hats of a particular design. I have been offered sweaty wads of cash under bridges to knit a gift for someone I don’t know. In theory, I see how it’s possible. I know folks who knit for trade, but I cannot. I have tried. It always felt dirty and insincere.

But, when I fell in love with you, a parade of knitting items that might be your style began running through my mind. It can take years of study. Do you wear hats or do you hate to have your hair mussed? Do you accessorize scarves to the perfect outfit or do they choke you? What kind of colors do you love or hate? Do you find superfine merino scratchy or are you likely to treat a luxury fiber like qiviut with the hand washed attention it needs? How often do you lose belongings or leave them out in the rain? Do you live in Los Angeles? or Duluth?

There is so much to know about a person to get this right. And getting it right is crucial, partially for the recipient, but mostly for me. It is heartbreaking to put my all into a project that is casually tossed aside and abandoned. Because a hand knit item gifted to you is a love letter. It is composed on parchment shorn from the backs of a highland sheep or combed from the underside of a musk ox or painstakingly unwound from the beds of unsuspecting silkworms. The language is derived directly from time itself with an alphabet of k1, p1, m1, and k2tog.

It is a meditative process sprinkled with moments of sheer rage that have you standing over an old school paper cutter with a mass of wool sitting dangerously close to the blade because the yarn refuses to take the shape, to be perfect. But mostly, it’s meditative. With each and every wrap of the yarn around the needle I see your face. I feel your loss. And in gifts of congratulations, I feel your triumph. The stitch is a rosary bead and “I love you” my Hail Mary.

There are some love letters I write with yarn that I have spun and dyed myself. Some parts are thicker than others or the color didn’t blend quite right; it is imperfect. But so am I. And this is just a little bit more of myself to give.

It can be creepy to receive something so sentimental with out a “reason”. It usually requires a sadness or a celebration to minimize the weirdness. It seems like I need an excuse to tell you how I feel. In times of tragedy, it may the only way I can get the message to you. And it turns out shouting “I love you” 25,000 times is seldom an appropriate course of action. But I want to.

So I put it into this hat. Or this scarf. Or doggie poo bag holder. Which is less creepy?

If you are the recipient of a hand knit love letter. Wear it. When you are sad, or when you are lonely next, hold the dice bag in your hand like it’s my own. Snuggle the shawl around your neck like the hug I can’t be there to give. Don’t shut it away in a drawer or hand it off to someone else. And if you come to me, apologetically, to repair the hole your dog ripped into it or to let out the waistline, I will be more than happy to recharge it, because you love me too.

Trying to Find Acceptance

I am incredibly ill. I have been running from admitting that for months now, hoping that whatever this is that is plaguing me will disappear as quickly as it it arose. But that has not happened. In fact, I think I am progressively getting worse. These are my symptoms:

  • a chemical smell, like chlorine
  • dizziness, like the world is spinning
  • weakness in my legs and left arm
  • nearly falling and falling
  • brief blackout
  • twitching limbs after the fall
  • stiffness in my left shoulder (the right shoulder is slowly getting stiff too)
  • pain in both hips
  • pain in my lower portion of my spinal column
  • if I am not falling, I walk around like my head is full of cotton balls
  • headache across brow
  • blurry vision
  • fatigue

Some of this began while I was on chemo 18 months ago, namely the weakness in my legs and the left shoulder getting stiff. Other parts, mainly the dizziness and falling, began back in April. Some of the symptoms became enhanced when I began a new drug for my diabetes. Those symptoms should have faded away by now, so I do not believe it is the new medication causing the problems. I have been to my doctor about this and have done cardio tests to make sure that this is not about my heart. All of the tests came back fine. I have been waiting for a month and a half to see a Neuro Surgeon and will see him this coming Tuesday. I have had a CT Scan and there is a one inch lesion on my brain.

I am lost and afraid and keep telling myself not to get caught up in the fear. The “what ifs” are driving me insane. I try to meditate and my mind won’t still, no matter if I am just breathing or chanting a mantra. I am trying to rid myself of negativity in the way people talk to me and in the things I allow myself to see. I no longer open my computer to Yahoo News, but to Flickr where I see the gorgeous photographs of the people I follow there. I am trying to change what I eat because I feel horribly heavy after each meal. So I am on rice and steamed veggies and the occasional piece of fish, fruit and green tea. I don’t know, at this point, anything else I can do to help myself.

I’ve been told that the possibilities range from a mild stroke, a tumor, MS, and other sorted illness that if my head wasn’t already spinning, would be spinning about now. I already live with Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Diabetes. Because of the chemo, both of my feet have neuropathy in them and even though I was told they might get better over time, they have not. Honestly, I don’t know if I can live with any more illness. And I keep asking the Universe WHY? And I keep getting the answer, WHY NOT? What possible lesson am I supposed to be learning from one horrific illness to another?

I just want peace, stillness, silence, and serenity. And to sit with God through this peace and find contentment. I am still struggling with my word for the year (Acceptance). I want to accept all of this and allow it to be, but the not knowing what is wrong with me festers in my mind constantly.